Archive for December, 2005

Only one wish

The year is coming to an end
And the bad times will vanish

I decided to put it all behind
and think of a new year’s wish

It’s still the old one
It hasn’t been changed

My whole perspective has
And the wish is still the same

The glass will never be diamond
I have finally seen it’s fake

It not fair to always give
And be denied from ever take

The former is a gift
but the glass will eventually hurt

If I can ever change something
I wish I could eliminate

Hatered, misery and selfishness
Pain, manipulation and violence

If you have to offer
Offer your very best

When things are going fine
Think of all the rest

There will come a day
when you will need someone

You start to look around
And you are the only one

We are here for a reason
Strive to be of a value

So it’s a brand new start
It’s a journey we have to continue

Dear god please grant me my wish
I have the strength and persistance

I know I have to earn it
And make a sense of my existence.

Happy New Year!

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Have been down for sometime but thank god things are getting really better, I am relieved. I knew it’s just a bad time that will pass and I just had to be patient till I reach the end of the tunnel then I will be able to see the bright sky again.
So here is an update:
– My mother is fine now, the flu and the cough all gone, thank god.
– My boss will not move, so things will be as stable as they are.
– Heba is getting better, I saw her yesterday, she is still on therapy but she
looks perfectly normal.
– With the help of my dad I bought a new laptop.
– I can manage with my car till next month then will fix it from the bonus.
– Noha is no longer mad at me and we are friends again.
– I have started planning for the feast’s holiday.
– My boss will be off next week so that will give me some space 🙂
– Haven’t yet got any feedback about my annual appraisal but I guess it’s going to be rewarding. (I hope)
When I thought about what has been contributing to my bad mood, I found that there were all minor things, I am a strong person and I have faith so why would I be that gloomy and burry my head in some insignificant problems that will eventually resolve themselves.
God sometimes tests us, and it wasn’t a hard one, so I am thankful and grateful that we are all fine, my family , friends and me so for me things can’t get any better.


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Dear …

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.


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Dear …

My impression on people has been always determined by how I feel. My heart was my only guide, and by the time, I used to find out that my opinion (don’t want to say judgement) was right. except for few times (when lies are involved, I am not good with lies).

But seems, this is no longer works, I guess I am no longer connected to my innerself that the signals do not mean anything to me, I no longer see clear visions, people are vague, things are blurry, facts are messed up…

I don’t know why I am fond of building statues for people without even knowing them well, and when the truth began to be revealed … the statues start to collapse, and the people lose thier existance, the choices are getting fewer, the path gets narrower.

I am not a perfectionist, but unless things are crystal clear, I don’t see them.
How can I trust people, if it is my heart that I can no longer trust.
How can I tell, if what I being told is the truth when I don’t know it.

Words have acquired so many meanings than the ones I used to know. so even speaking the same language will never do me any good, still won’t be understood.

I have few good friends, I can’t have so many , it’s a responsibility and requires devotion, time, feelings and attention. what I can offer can not be taken from the great friends that I already have to be distributed among a larger group. Iwon’t be the same caring and loving friend to them, I won’t be me.

Am I differnent , or .. it’s the people. I feel like an alien as if I don’t belong.
Or that everyone has a role to play, and he is playing it for his own pleasure… so TAKE A BOW , …. “BRAVO”.


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Dear …

Since it’s the end of the year, and end of fiscal year too… people in our department as well as the Finance dept. are getting crazy, including myself.
So it’s not a very good week at work, hope 2006 will be better.

Yesterday, I was counting the minutes, hoping that day ends … as if it’s a nightmare.
I finally went home, ate with my mother then my dad came we sat and laughed, it was a peaceful and pleasant time and then he went back to work and I decided to check my emails.

Suddenly the one who guards our cars at night just came and delivered the news…
The neighbor’s driver while he was trying to park hit my car!
I went to check what happened and I found the guard and the driver standing beside it, making an indifference face…

I yelled at them like I have never done at anyone before, to the extent that I didn’t believe it’s me who is doing that, the guard tried to explain what happened , I didn’t listen, I was still yelling, saying over and over again “ this is carelessness, you have no respect or appreciation for people’s properties…” things like that.

I got into my car, the guard again asked where I am taking it, told him …” you are no longer responsible for this car, don’t ask me about it”

I had no idea where I am going, but I felt better that the hit didn’t affect the motion or performance, it just looks bad, I also realized that I forgot to take any money with me to park in a garage. So I went as far as I could from home , found an empty spot, looked safe to me, so I left it, telling myself “it can’t get any worst”.

I walked all the way to my home, thinking of how furious I was and was that rage already inside me and the accident triggered it or what was wrong with me…

I guess, I was stressed out or may be just unhappy but denying, in order to be the cheerful person that I like to be. but I am tired of playing this role, yes I am not happy, I have problems and I can’t talk to anybody for the time being , thank god… the weekend is approaching, I have some shopping to do, have to attend a wedding on Friday (I don’t want to, but I have to…) that will be more than enough, will turn my mobile off.
Don’t want to sound gloomy, besides this bad mood is contagious, I won’t do that to the people I care for.


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Dear …

It’s strange that no matter how hard it is for me to lose friends, I eventually lose them, or I can say some of them, not just one … some.

Recent incident: happened with Noha, she is now mad at me and she doesn’t talk to me. Although we work at the same company, that was because last Monday when we were supposedly all invited to the cocktail dinner, she asked me “why are you dressed like that” (formal), so I thought she wasn’t invited, andI know she is so sensitive so I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I didn’t answer I tried to change the subject and when she left my office I called Dalia as she was the one who initially told us about the dinner and asked her “how come Noha is not invited, she doesn’t know anything about the dinner”, she answer “no she knows, but she saidshe is not in a mood”…. and till now she is still upset.

Another incident, two years ago, a friend of mine just decided to set me up with her cousin, so
the first impression was ok, but after that we were supposed to meet in an outing with some other friends, I went and I found out that he is a smoker, I know it sounds silly, but it’s a huge problem for me, so I saw him smoking and that was a turn off for me, so after that she called to tell me that it went great and that he is asking about my feedback, I didn’tknow what to say but I couldn’t lie… I tried to communicate it in a nice way and I don’t think I commited a crime … everyone has things that can’t be tolerated, so it’s my thing. and I couldn’t hide it and say I will ask him to quit because I have no right asking him that unless he wanted to … and there were other things that I didn’t complain about on the contrary I tried to be supportive as I truely believe that …

“Not everything that can be counted counts and not everything that couts can be counted”

Anyway, she hasn’t talked to me till two weeks ago, I was surprised to find her finally calling me … but she was different. and later on I discovered that she was asking about the vacancies at my company.

last one, happened to me without even knowing the reason, that was Marwa, my friend from college, I believe she is married now, she didn’t invite me to her wedding and she no longer calls or asks about me.

On the other hand I still have dear friends that I do hope to always have…


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Dear …

I am so glad it ‘s finally Thursday and it really started so well, I slept very well and I am dressed in PINK… kind of suits my mood today 🙂

Drove my tiny car, arrived on time before my boss, that doesn’t happen all the time.
Then I received the first email for today from my boss, I was glad it’s just one, sometimes I just find a series of emails just keep hitting my inbox … with different tasks and requests.

Today’s email was a “Thank you “ email for yesterday’s presentation with the feedback he got from the company’s India Region President, that really made my day.

Another thing about today, is that I will be having lunch with my best friend right after we finish work, I haven’t seen her since some while. So it’s a perfect opportunity to TALK.

Best thing about today, “Marsam Al Qal’a” exhibition will start today, my twin sister is participating, so I am really happy for her she is going today as it’s opened for the press and the participants (photographers) and will be opened for the public starting tomorrow.

Although it has been a hectic week, as I had a lot of work to do , specially last Monday and Tuesday working on the presentation, I had to attend a Cocktail Dinner that took place on Monday too it was fun but I went home in a terrible state. But all in all it was different and an enjoyable week.


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Why do we love, you should ask yourself this question before rushing in and consider yourself in love, some people say we just have feelings, so another question arises do these feelings exist because you are a passionate person and you are looking for someone to just pour your feelings into the relationship and eliminate their burden from your chest,

Or the feelings that you have were generated from someone’s existence in your life, then you ask again are they mutual, if they are , that means the seed is there, so you just have to wait for it to grow and you will see the fruits by your own eyes, but if it’s one sided, you will find that your were trying to water the sand not a seed , and will never have anything out of it.

So be careful before you start investing your feelings make sure that the seed is there, because otherwise it’s just a waste.

Islamic religion has some provisions concerning having feelings for someone, the great thing about it is that it didn’t deny the person’s right from having feelings for someone, but how to express it , that ‘s where the restrictions are. And the right ways is well known to everybody.

Love is a great feeling but it requires attention and understanding, because it’s a double edged weapon, it can hurt and it can heal… so use it very wisely.


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Dear …

I returned home last Thursday right after I finished my work, and I was supposed to meet a friend of Mine and have coffee together, but she apologized the last minute.
I wasn’t comfortable with the idea that I am going home, fearing that the quietness will grant me the opportunity to confront myself and I wasn’t ready for that, I was too exhausted to undertake this process which always lead to the blaming phase which is the most difficult one.

I went through the very daily routine and by 10:30PM I felt very sleepy, resisted a little then went to sleep to wake up the following morning at 11AM !… yes I slept for 12 continuous hours.

Decided to have a relaxing weekend and stay at home, and that’s what I did till 5PM I got bored and I went to do some shopping for clothes, I wasn’t focused at all and instead of clothes I bought myself a book and a couple of classic music tapes (not CD’s).

Went home with the entertaining stuff I got and began to read, the same thing happened again, went to sleep early .

I got up today at 8:30 AM and I am still insisting to remain at home and continue relaxing.
So I had breakfast and sat with my mom and sister for a while till they left, they had to run some errands, and remained still.

Again I am listening to the music and it is so beautiful, the funny thing is that as when the music gets softer, I felt as if I waiting to a voice to start narrating a story (like it happens in the movies…) and I wondered will it be a happy one…?
I turned the music up, it was really loud, I was trying to listen to nothing but the music, didn’t want to hear a thing not even my voice.

Back to the book, it wasn’t a novel… but here’s a good part …
“ The Warrior Of The Light is a believer …
because he believes in miracles, miracles begin to happen…
because he is sure that his thoughts can change his life, his life begins to change…
because he is certain that he will find love, love appears.”

Hope the rest of the week will be as peaceful…


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Dear …
Yesterday, I had a very nice conversation with my ex-boss, we were talking about how calm he is all the time, how he doesn’t panic when he faces work problems and how can he prevent these problems from affecting his mood and personal life.
The reason why I was really interested in knowing his approach and how can he manage to be the person he is… was due to the problems that I had for the past two days.
He told me do you know why is there a day and night, I thought he is trying to tell me to relax or something, so I answered so we can calm down, relax and sleep ….
He interrupted this answer with “ to know that nothing remains the same, and that everything changes….” So that you know that the problem that you have no matter how long will it takes to solve it, eventually it will disappear and die and another one may emerge.
Another thing, which I do agree with big time, don’t get mad at anyone and let the disagreement create a distance between you because the longer the time the harder it is to eliminate this distance , we do need people so don’t lose them unless they are bad people, the step that will take you away from a friend will hurt you more than him because you will have to endure the pain of separation and regret.

He told me that we do have a privilege that most of us are not even aware of which is imagination, he said you can just sit back at any point of time, close your eyes and you live in a world of your choice with the dearest friends around you. It doesn’t cost you anything and there must be a reason that god has granted us this bless.
I myself am a very imaginative person, and I knew how exactly does it feel to live in this imaginary world. And it happens to me a lot that I go to sleep a little bit early so I have the chance to cheer myself up a little and think a happy thought .

This conversation has really relieved me a lot and I am feeling much better now, I thought what I had has been a mood swing but no I had some problems at work, and the girl from the agency was extremely mean to me but I don’t like to play the role of a victim and be gloomy, life goes on and happiness is a state of mind… I am an optimistic person and I shoud lift myself up because no body will till the trouble passes.


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Dear …
I really don’t understand people, I like the very straightforward way, if you have a problem with me ..come and say it, don’t use the words with double meanings, they are very confusing and irritating.
And by the way I DON’T lie, why would I….? And I don’t also think that my words can ever be misinterpreted… what does “I have plans today…” mean? , means lunch …may be, movies… possible, shopping… why not but “Marriage” NOOOOOOOOOOO”.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment and this issue is valuable enough not to be mentioned in this casual manner and to be referred to as a “plan” for one day or night.
Anyways, it’s not a big deal as long as he was this happy about it although it’s just in his imagination.
What upsets me the most is that I discovered that when he asked me after that and I told him that we were supposedly going to the movie theatre he didn’t believe me…
Why would I lie….? He continued talking in a sarcastic way.
May be he believed me but he was trying to deliver a specific message… I don’t know.
Anyhow we can’t force people to believe us, we can’t make them be convinced that it’s the character, manners, personality, kindness, … that matter the most, I am not a superficial girl…. Ok that was another area where misjudgment occurred.
It’s really bad to lose good people but sometimes you have no choice if it’s what they want and if they didn’t see that they were appreciated and respected.


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Dear …

It’s not only me who is a bit different at work than with other people or family, the reason for me is the fear not to be accepted the way I am… so I try to preserve my personality and at the same time work on my problems and solve them, the opposite happens with friends or the close ones , I just be myself, expose my problems and see if they can accept them or not .. it’s like the difference between the hand paintings and the graphic ones, sometimes things look better because they are not perfect… that’s my opinion.

But there were always four barriers that I always have great difficulty going through them :
1- Asking for things or asking for help
2- Responding to an offer and/or a compliment.
3- Expressing verbally how I feel.
4- Choosing/Deciding … I can’t really decide when I have a lot of options, or let’ s say it takes me a lot of time and thinking … that’s so bad.

First challenge: I am aware of the fact that there is only one way to address your need to have something … TALK but that extremely hard, normally I am a direct and straightforward person, but when it comes to asking for something… oh my god I am horrible. The good news is no one has ever let me down before when I needed anything… I very am lucky thank god… it’s just an unjustified fear.

The second ones: the best I could do is to respond but it usually takes me a while to do so… again very weird and it communicates to the other party that I don’t care while I really DO.

As for the third: I believe that actions do talk better than words, but apparent they are never understood. The problem’s scale massively escalates when the feelings are appreciation, love or gratefulness. Although I personally see that words are the least you can give in these cases… they say “Love never claims, it ever gives.” But what can I give… I am clueless.

About the last point, one of my colleagues has been in England and when he returned back, he came to my desk with like five or seven key chains and told me ..pick one.
Nothing can be more simple than that, I looked at them and seriously I couldn’t see any of them .. I don’t know wasn’t I really looking , or it was a lack of concentration… things were blurry all of a sudden. Then to save myself the embarrassment I told him you please choose one for me. Time to look at the bright side, things acquire more value when they are very specifically chosen for you.

Anyways it’s who I am, I am willing for a little change but I know , few things have to still be the same in order to be the same person that I am.


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