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Archive for February, 2006

I was 17 , last year at school, everyone was so busy thinking about the exams, results and of course … college.

I used to love painting, some of my friends and family members thought I would be interested in studying fine arts … but to their surprise, I didn’t take the test!

Why? Because I thought I won’t find a suitable job and I could see myself studying Business Administration, and work in a big organization, which was the dream of the majority of my colleagues back then, and was viewed as the right thing by my family too.

For me it wasn’t a dream, it was a plan that I haven’t put much thinking in, it was imitating someone else’s plan. Seemed a safe thing to do.

That’s what partially happened … first of all, I majored in accounting not Business Administration and I graduated.

I had a hard time trying to find a good job which has resulted in TWO years at home waiting, searching, and going through a numerous interviews.

So my biggest fear that I have given up the thing I loved has attached me and ever since I still try to love what I am doing with no luck.

I have been working for five years, the two years are history and a lesson that I had to learn; that I will never EVER try to live a dream of someone else as I don’t have neither the passion not the motivation to make it come true.

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Dear,

Haven’t you ever felt during a conversation that you don’t want it to end or wondered if you could stop the time for a while so you can keep talking/listening to the person you are having this interesting conversation with? And what is your definition for “Interesting” anyways?

What is the main reason for this phenomenon if I may call it because of its rarity?

Would it be the person, the subject or you?

In other words, Was the person that charismatic… that you were literally enchanted as he knew what language to use or he was empathetic enough to choose what to say, how to address it in a way you can relate to and therefore a kind of connection began to be established and maintained.

Some say, may be it’s the body language or eye contact. but I personally think if sincerity wasn’t there no connection can ever be made based on fake rules or ways.

Yes there are Charismatic people; they know how to communicate with people from different backgrounds, social standards and with different characters.

They can convince you of anything and have this ability to make you do things for them with great passion and motivation not as if you are captivated or hypnotized but with great convincement.

Another hypothesis; the subject …. Every one has favorite subject/s that whenever it’s mentioned, it alerts all your senses and stimulates you mentally.
Another kind of subjects other than the favorite ones… the provocative ones, smart people sometimes need to be challenged and the provocative/controversial subjects triggers their need to prove how smart or knowledgeable they are, sometimes to the people and other times to themselves, it’s like a mind battle.

The last one, YOU … what if you just wanted to have a nice and peaceful conversation with someone you can trust and freely talk to, what if you wanted to be heard, felt and appreciated, what if you were clueless and you wanted to get a mature opinion about something.
Sometimes we are so confused that we want someone to throw all our ideas, thoughts and feelings in front of, and start sorting and reorganizing them over again.

People are of great value and there is a reason for each one of us to be exposed to different situations and experiences. So that if you have the chance to share what you have learned with someone else, have a joint list of the rights and wrongs, it could make a difference to the two of you.

In the end, the answers are so many for the very same questions.

Yours,

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Dear,

“For all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams”.

I don’t see a reason for any one to lose hope.

Think about the bad times we went through, sad times, agonizing experiences…. where did they go, they were like nightmares we had one night then we woke up and they are gone!

Or even the good times when we laughed and danced when we felt we were on the top of the world, think about success, wonderful people we met, friends we loved, beautiful places we have been to, delightful memories, did they last?

No, they were like nice dreams we had and then we got up smiling and we kept remembering them.

Think about how we used to look when we were young, now we see the pictures and wonder what hasn’t been impacted and changed by the years.

About the illnesses that we or our families had, they are either healed or we decided to live with them and consider that early healthy stage one of the good dreams we had.

Even those people whom we lost, may be we are gonna meet them again and we will look back at our entire lives and wonder what a dream it has been.

Yours,

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Detour

Dear …

Choosing & deciding … are all about the choices, used to think I am indecisive but after some thinking, no I am not. For if the choices that I had to select from were coming out of me and I had a hard time trying to choose. It would have been my problem but it’s not like that.

The routes that I was willing to explore and could see my goals waiting for me somewhere in them always had this sign DETOUR giving me those arrows that I don’t know where they are leading to.

So I stood right there trying to choose between the arrows, asking people coming and going around me, some knew where were they heading, some had planned their ways and others didn’t know and even didn’t care.

They didn’t help much. I decided to continue walking and see what can I reach.
Years have gone by and I am still walking, there were some rainy days and some beautiful sunny ones but the feeling that it’s still not my way does exist.
There were sometimes I thought I am about to find my way and could feel that I am near then I lost it again.

Nothing bothers me actually other than the time and effort that I consume in the wrong place. Time goes very fast, no one can stop it. Yes because it’s unstoppable and most importantly it does really heal everything, and I wished sometimes if I could accelerate it so it takes me away from a certain memory or a person I have lost.

I don’t consider myself lost, but I just know this is not my way. I don’t feel my home is nearby yet.

Now I am facing another Detour sign and when I was asked, I just said “I didn’t think about it” although I did. It was just an excuse to give myself more time to decide.

When the choices don’t include the one you are willing to take, they all seem the same!

Yours,

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Deferred Confession

I resisted to write about you for a long time and now I realized that there is no way you can read so why don’t I let it out. Although I wished you read and know how I still feel and how is my life without you.

Last day was Monday, August 2nd ,1999. at college for the results. She was with you and I wasn’t very upset. I was still in denial… I couldn’t believe any of the things happening around me.

To understand that you have to know that since we weren’t very close, summer holiday for the four years since I have met you were like toughest times I used to have, used to count them and has been in a state very similar to hibernation or I was frozen… till it’s over so I come back to life again.

I was very proud I know and most probably you couldn’t imagine, you were that important to me. but if it’s going to make it any different .. you were the man of my dreams, very special, very unreal, price charming, or I can say you were THE ONE.

After graduation, I used to have these dreams about you and wake up trying to get dressed to go to college and see you, then realize … oh it’s over, I am no longer a student, you won’t be there and the most beautiful phase I have lived has passed or it was just like the dream.

I still have this dream of being in place that I know you might be there and keep on looking for you. I used to find you but now the dream is recurring but the search turns out to be in vein.

Where are you, and what does it take to forget you, even the people that I see now besides the fact that I can’t help comparing them to you. I can’t accept them to come any closer. As my heart has been a restricted area, reserved for only you and no that you haven’t been there to fill it, it doesn’t fit anybody else. In fact I don’t want to see any one but you, not interested in meeting other people and won’t be till this empty spot you left and has never been aware of healed.

It’s very easy for those people who have never find the real thing to fall for anything else. But for me, nothing is the same.

I am quite sure that it’s fate and it was god’s will. May be I was wrong, or may be I will have a better chance with someone else or may be I will see you again.

Just to answer a question you might have on why I was always trying to be away, well.. first I used to feel your presence no matter how you were far and that was good enough for me, that was happiness to know you are just around.
Another reason was I never thought about a day that comes and I never see you again.
Last reason because I was afraid that you might know what you mean to me …

I really don’t know why didn’t you say anything, was it me… well I am sorry, I was young and felt weird so I have never encouraged you or put you at ease. I frightened you I admit and put that face of indifference till it was too late.

I do wish I could see you and talk to you again, it has been more than six years and I ran into a lot of people but the only one I have been longing to see.

Seems that the end resembles the very beginning, when I first saw you , couldn’t believe myself that you are real in front of my eyes, and now I can’t believe that I won’t see you again.. how ironic.

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Clutter

Dear …

Last Wednesday was an unpleasant day, I went to work and no actual work has been done. Let’s go through the day… may be that will give me the clue on what went wrong.

It was the last day for one of my colleagues, we decided to do something special for him, we arranged to get him a cake (actually two) and a nice present.

Then, my boss called for a department meeting, we gathered into the conference room waiting for the news.. it’s unusual to have this kind of unscheduled meetings.
He told us that he will be moving to another department… for me it was the worst timing to hear this piece of news, plus the fact that he was a very good boss.

Back to the original farewell party, I volunteered to go and buy the present. We collected money as a department, I asked a friend of his if he has any preferences. He told me a Mont Blanc pen!

Engy came with me to City Stars and chose a nice one (not extra nice because of the budget, call me old fashioned or naïve but I couldn’t believe that a pen can cost 28,000 EGP, the one I got was 1300 thank god).

The weather was very weird that day, when we were in the car …we experienced nearly all the seasons’ conditions… it was sunny, then windy, it rained then windy again and more rain then sunny!

Went back to the office, the farewell party wasn’t warm. We ate and took some pictures together.

The last part of the day was that CD delivery part … that wasn’t the first time that I act weird because of a strange feeling that I have no explanation to and don’t know where did it come from. I was tensed and uncomfortable, the negative feelings were mutual I must say.

It’s very mystifying that you think you know a person and suddenly, you go like… “who are you” and treat him like a total stranger.

To a great extent, I do trust my intuition, and alarming feelings I felt were telling me that there is something wrong.
I went home after that, to wake up the next morning with the preliminary symptoms of FLU.

The weekend was flu, medications, sleeping and quarreling with my mother about the food because I couldn’t eat anything.

Tried to go to work yesterday, thought I was better, drove my car with some difficulty, felt I was week… reached the office, they all noticed from my voice (as there hasn’t been any…:). Excused myself and headed back home by 1PM.

And here I am , home again, continuing last weekend’s schedule: flu, medications, sleeping but no more quarrels, don’t have the strength.

Yours,

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