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Archive for March, 2006

Babbling

“3andi se2a feek, 3andi 2amal feek .. beykafi” I love this song. I am repeating it over and over again and if let myself I would say after her “beykafi”; trust and hope are enough for me. I haven never felt I can tell someone or even myself that my feelings for him are trust and hope.
And yes if I had reached this state, I wouldn’t have had any more love to feel … “ma32ool fi aktar ana ma 3endi aktar … “
I act like an arrogant child, I am not arrogant may be proud but not arrogant at all it’s just a cover as I am always afraid to get hurt so I remain away from everything and put as much barriers as I can. But the child eventually needs care and tenderness but can’t ask for it. The surrounding environment doesn’t encourage at all.
Trust: what does it take to trust someone, to make sure he doesn’t lie? They all lie.
To be sure his feelings won’t change? No one can guarantee that.
I don’t know any measures for trust … too bad.
So keep it as is … nice lyrics about a valuable meaning that I am confused about its definition.
“3andi se2a feek we bekafi” … hope to feel that way.

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“It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary” from the Alchemist.

Since last Thursday I was so bored then began to realize that I am much more calm and relaxed, and I decided to look at the bright side and write about what I enjoyed when I was obliged to stay at home doing nothing at all … there were some negative things as well but I want to keep my eye on the positive aspects.
So here it is , I enjoyed:
1- Reading (I read the Alchemist and it’s fascinating)
2- Watching TV. ( I keep on flipping the channels till I can find anything bearable and I just watch it without complaining).
3- Sitting with my mom and granny and having nice and funny conversations.
4- Getting the calls of my friends who are calling me every day to check on me, as I am not ready yet for the visits.
5- The rain, as it rained yesterday and today as well and it made me feel as if it’s still winter (I LOVE WINTER).
6- Sitting in the living room with the window opened so that I can see the sky till the sun sets (it’s a little bit gray today but it doesn’t matter, still enjoyable).
7- Turning my cellular phone off till 5:30to avoid any business calls. As my close friends call me on the land line or after six.
8- Today I was able to perform the prayers without having to sit.
9- Waking up any time I want (that’s a real good one).
10- Having the chance to think about whether to move or not from my department as the alternative is not very encouraging.

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I have been home since Thursday, as I woke up at 4AM with a severe pain in my foot. My mom got up to pray and I called for her and told her that there is something wrong with my foot. I tried to walk and I couldn’t. I remained on pain killers taking a tablet every four hours, still my stomach couldn’t take it any more.
We called the doctor and he wasn’t in Cairo, he gave me an antibiotic and a stronger pain killer and an anti-inflammatory till he sees me on Friday.
I went on Friday and it turned out I have an infection in the tissues of my foot in two parts of the foot one of them is serious and it’s causing the swell , temperature and requires an antibiotic. And he ordered me to rest and avoid the pressure for a week.
I sent H (Dept. Admin Assistant) an SMS telling her that I won’t be able to walk for a week and will send her a scanned copy of my medical report so she can send it to the HR to let them be informed that it’s not an absence. And to inform O and S as well.
What did I get : first I have to clarify that the sms I sent started with “good morning” and a lot of “Please” and “Thanks”. She replied “send me your passwords” yes that was the reply !. she didn’t even mention why.
Then a friend of mine from work called me and told me that she told O and he made a strange face as if he doesn’t believe !
Then … she told me that H called her and asked if I am really sick !.
Finally she told me that O sent her an email with a presentation and some charts telling her “ask Nesreen to develop the same for the other brands”. !
I am really mad and surprised, why did they assume I am lying, I am not a liar and they know that quite well. Or are they insensitive to that extent.
I don’t need to prove it to them although the medical report is enough.
Anyways, thank god for everything … if they think that way I believe that shows who they are not who I am.
I don’t know why would anyone think that way, If I have any doubt about anything that can hurt someone’s feelings or add up to his/her problems I would personally go for zero risk and keep the good faith.

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This post is so greatly influenced by Doshar posts.

I was so moved by reading the part that “Muslims will never try to cheat…” . it’s the need to hear a positive yet a factual thing about Muslims, through the hurricane of criticism and misjudgment mixed with ignorance that we have been suffering from.

We are not the only ones, seems that there has been a new trend that I haven’t personally heard of till its consequences are witnessed. That every person has to have someone or let’s say a group depends on who represents them to hate, despise and revolt, So the discrimination depends on nationality, religion or race and it is getting outrageous.

People will be judged by god INDIVIDUALLY. Each and every person will be responsible for his/her own action. And there is no disparity between people based on their look, language or color. What should we learn anything from that ???

I shouldn’t be walking with this feeling of guilt or shame that a Muslim or an Arab has drifted and encountered a misdeed. Who did that was a weak or a corrupted HUMAN BEING. It should be viewed that way.

People no longer think, and don’t even tend to act, they are rather on the reactive side, and because of this lame state they have so much energy that their reaction is seldom fueled with that can overflow and cause even more vigorous and violent mess, yes MESS… that’s what they cause and destruction most of the time.

Not to mention the popular game of mixing cards, that when they put a ruthless sick criminal with an honest person who fights for his rights or freedom under one category…. That’s not acceptable !

What I felt was as if I was imprisoned and kept saying “I am innocent, Muslims are truthful and honest, Muslims are not murderers and not terrorists, Muslims are peaceful, compassionate and respect other’s religions and beliefs… ” and no body seems to be hearing anything and I lost hope that they can get to know who we really are and then … something sparkled all of a sudden without being expected “Muslims will never try to cheat…”.

So if you are questioning “Do we really care” yes we DO care, it’s not just an image that we have to keep, it’s much bigger and deeper and it’s actually used against us.
Who would save a man if he was falsely convicted of being a ruthless killer or a terrorist while he is not. And, moreover we don’t have the creditability to defend him.
It’s just one reason but the list is too long.

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http://www.usefilm.com/photographer.asp?ID=91354

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Seemed to me that I had to go for something I love and get a little indulged to regain the balance that has recently trembled because of the new “Have to do” list.

Yesterday I was very keen to finalize all the outstanding tasks and reports. So I can have today off. Had the camera with me and I managed to get done with my work at 5 sharp to leave the office to somewhere … I wasn’t sure where to.
I wasn’t ready for long distance driving and I was looking for somewhere peaceful that I can enjoy. Thought of two places; the first one was a garden I know, it’s not a park and some people don’t even notice as it’s surrounded by small bushes and trees but I couldn’t help noticing the amazing old trees.
The other place was a big horse stable that I have never been too … but since I have this admiration for horses and how noble they are … wanted to have some photos of them.
Finally went for the first option, I took my camera and began to hunt for a capture. There were some people looking at me very curiously that made me uncomfortable at first then I forgot about them.
Kept on walking around the garden to find where the fence ends, till I found a way.
I entered there and that was it… I was in a whole other world, I forgot about the people, how I look in high heals and yet inside a garden with a camera, the damp grass that can be slippery.
Was a little afraid first as I could hear the sound of frogs, but the flowers were so beautiful and one time I approached and was adjusting my camera mode then I heard another sound of something moving very close that I don’t know till now what was it, I got scared and left the spot I was in. I also wanted to shoot the bird that is here in the picture and I couldn’t get any nearer so it can notice and fly, I stood there without moving at all and zoomed in. it’s not an artistic one but I loved it.
I don’t know exactly how long I stayed in the garden, totally lost track of time, under the spell of nature and colors.
Came home with lots of pictures, downloaded them and I noticed that the ones I took when I first arrived were all out of focus, seems I was still uncomfortable and afraid that my hands were not steady. Then things went better.
Spent the rest of the evening reviewing and editing the pictures, still have this feeling that I am all alone in this garden, with the birds, flowers, ponds … it was like a dream.
I then uploaded one of the pictures on Usefilm and I got positive critique, it has been some while since I have uploaded anything on the site and I be this eager to know how the other photographers think and seek feedback.
Thank god I am so much better.

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Still in love with Friday, although it has become a relaxing rather than a fun day as it used to be. Many years ago , it used to be a family gathering day at granny’s place, it was a small villa and we were about 8 kids including my sister and myself. Two of whom weren’t always there as they were residing in Alex. My dad has been always there as opposed to the rest of the family older members, he used to guide us and play with us, he tried so hard to show us how to ride a bicycle but all the trials have failed. He also used to bring us big sheets of paper, colors, scissors and let us do what comes in our tiny heads (little projects) . He used to sit and watch. it was a kind of competition between all these kids.
There has been something else that we (the girls) were keen about doing but in vein, all the plants in the villa were looked after by granny and she had a Jasmine tree as well as roses and some other kinds of flowers that she has planted herself. But there has been a spot near to a dark room that we used to view as scary that hasn’t been planted. One day we decided to plant it but we thought of exploring this scary room first, it was a small one attached to the villa and the door was made of glass and metal. The room was cluttered and so dusty, we were curious to find out what was stored in there, turned out that there was nothing interesting but large metal rectangular boxes, that we couldn’t recognize but when we asked after that we discovered these used to be my grand father’s luggage many years ago. The grand father that only one of these kids has seen, he passed away before we were born.
Anyways, so we decided to plant the area that leads to the scary room so it looks better. we picked out some flowers with different colors and dug tiny little holes and planted the stems of the flowers and left them with high expectations that by the next Friday they would grow. but there were always this unpleasant, frustrating surprise that we found them dead. We never gave up we kept on trying without complaining but always wondered what went wrong.
I don’t remember when did we stop doing that.
As things began to change, two of the cousins traveled to Saudi and the other two moved out of granny’s house, yes they used to live with her.
We were growing older and Fridays’ became better to be invested in studying, years went by and we finished high school and went to college, the cousins who were in Saudi came back and we decided to gather like the old days, we agreed to meet at the club. As granny has sold the villa and she is living now in an apartment besides she is also old to be hosting this number, we thought it would be a burden.
After spending these years away from each other, we were like different people trying to remember the old days to make a connection while gazing at each other and try to believe that years have passed and it’s another phase of our lives, but we are the same people.
Ever since this day I have seen them in different occasions , I still love and care for them but in another way. They became relatives now more than the friends they used to be. As some other people took over and settled in the friends territory 🙂

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