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Archive for April, 2006

I am a messy, sometimes clumsy person myself. but I always do my best to be no trouble for anyone. So I might drop my silverware in a formal dinner, take time to recognize the fish fork … spill something from my plate on the table cloth or me although I try very hard to place the napkin on my lap so I won’t ruin my outfit. But what I drop always finds a way to land on my skirt or pants. So I do irritate myself not anybody else.
But what surprises me based on previous incidents are :
– When someone approaches so much to talk to me: come on people give me a space. And no it’s not ok if it’s a woman.
– When we are having lunch or dinner with a variety of people and all of a sudden someone begins to smoke without even asking. Usually I don’t continue eating and of course I don’t say the real reason when I am asked, I just say “I’m full”.
– Shared plates (salads, appetizers, etc …), are sometimes disastrous; people pick things from the plate using their hands !. Other cases, they use their own fork, the one they are eating with. Some people do that while they know it’s unacceptable and try to cover it by saying lame statements like “ oh yummy” ! or “ God I love it, can’t wait” or “I just can’t stop eating” .
– When someone try to reach for something and leans over the table as if there is a starvation and it’s the only plate in the whole world, sacrificing people whom he might be leaning on, or his tie that is dipped in someone else’s soup.
– There are another kind who loves you to try the food first and stare at you, trying to comprehend from the facial expressions if the food is tasty or not. And sometimes ask if they can try it from your plate before ordering it !.
– Picky eaters : few of my friends are; they really torture the waiters … asking for the impossible and finally nothing is good enough. Some of them are the “extras freaks” (they like extra everything) or the “without freaks” , I do belong to the “without freaks” kind. except that I forget to tell the waiter, and always become surprised by onions or garlic but because of the hard time I know the waiter had. I decide to just eat. I ear onions and garlic but not in public places, I don’t order plates with strong smells.
– Dinning tables are no place to discuss digestion problems. There is another cozy place that everyone can think ALONE about these problems. And if the problem persists he can go to a doctor.
– Last thing, a quiet peaceful or even silent dinner is so much appreciated. Let’s view it like that: talking is the complete opposite of eating (especially big chunks). So there is always a compromise , or you can always alternate a piece of food … then a sentence. It’s not too hard.

Finally that doesn’t happen a lot by the way, but it always happens when it’s not expected.

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Based on an incident that happened last week too, that made me totally uncomfortable. Here is what I think:
Although I don’t like to admit it but I am shy and I am doing my best to hide it especially at work not to be comprehended as lack of communication skills.
But eventually it shows. but in another form… as indifference or as if I don’t care ….because of my deadly attempts to conceal it
When I start feeling that people are getting this impression, I tend to offer more attention to make it up and maintain a balance so they begin to feel as if I am treating them in a special way. So what are the choices … the fake balance is impossible.
I don’t want to seem weird but the other signals don’t stop popping up. The good news is I never behave or say anything inappropriate or irrelevant that may embarrass me but I do something that may be worse… shuuuuuuuuuuuush !, yes that’s what I do and yes I know … how rude. The only exception is when criticized … I speak up other than that, nothing.
So when someone does me a real big favor, I say thanks and stuff but I don’t say enough. When I should reply to a compliment, I just change the subject. When I am mad at someone … I don’t say a word.
I have posted before a post called “words unspoken” and I am still struggling to bring them up to the surface.

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The best thing that happened last week was that Monday was a Holiday (Prophet’s birthday) and I didn’t go to work.
I had pretty busy days after this holiday, but apart from that there was a little time for little chats with friends at work although they were gradually diminishing as a result of the work load we had.
So Tuesday, (A) was back from Dubai, we tried to free ourselves and go to her office to check on her. There were the four of us and the ten minutes we were planning to spend were escalated to thirty. We chatted and laughed and talked about everything .. it was a very personal, girly conversation but it was so much fun.
Wednesday, there were only three of us went to (S)’s office and it was a hectic day. I started talking, (E) said .. please don’t talk about work, talk about anything else. Then (S) said that her knees hurt as if she’s a 100, I realized that I have a headache too that I have to disregard to continue working. so I asked her not to talk about it. so we didn’t find anything to talk about and we went back to our offices.
Thursday, we didn’t meet … we saw each other and said hi and how are you and that was it. I wanted to ask them if they would like to go to the movies or go out but based on the fading conversations we had, thought they might not be interested.
Wanted to ask my other friends but based on the fact that I don’t take any initiatives … I didn’t.
Hope we can recharge ourselves in the weekend so we can carry on.

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The ONE !

Laugh all you want, but it happens. I don’t expect people who haven’t been in an encounter with the person they have been waiting for without even realizing that to believe in such a thing. The strange thing is that, it’s a mutual feeling … and that makes it even more phenomenal.
Fortunate people experienced it and lived happily ever after; other people are just glad they met the one and ask god for a second real chance.
But the concept of THE ONE deepens inside them and now they can never be willing to consider anyone but THE ONE.
I had a girlish talk with a colleague of mine, we were talking about a guy and how decent he is, she suddenly mentioned her fiancé. I felt like there was a kind of comparison that came to her mind as she began to say but my fiancé is very caring and good looking, ….
I told her, even if he is not. The one you choose to live the rest of your life with, in your eyes doesn’t look like anyone else. Hence there can be no comparison.
Don’t you feel that. She said yes but without seeming to feel what I was saying.
So I just thought that people are different, she doesn’t see things the way I do, which is very normal.
Or may be I am still under the spell of believing that there is just one person who for me won’t be like anyone else. The person that I will know once I see… that is not a childish way of thinking. I used to think that since I was 16 and here I am, after 12 years I still feel the same.
And even I tried but I couldn’t give anyone a fair chance. as I couldn’t risk another person’s happiness just to verify if I was right or wrong.
Love is a big responsibility, and god has set the rules and regulations to protect us and made the bond a holly one. So there is nothing wrong with just following our hearts.
Hope people would understand and stop inquiring and urging.

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One of the things that I have learned, is not to always do what you want, sometimes you have to do what others want if that makes them happy. My aunt taught me that and I am very grateful.
A question suddenly arose; what if I didn’t realize how much my action would mean to that particular person. Gave it some thinking and the answer … I have nothing to loose, after all making someone happy is so much worth it.
I myself can be very happy with a very little effort.
I am invited to a dinner tomorrow isA and I really don’t want to go. Politics wise, I have to be there. But I am not that kind anyways so why the heck.
The whole department is going and they think I am going to. Can’t say now I am not gonna. because there will be a lot of : WHYs and you have to and things like that.
I decided to leave it to the last minute and then excuse myself.
I am not sure if that’s right. But if I referred it back to the rule … that I would get out of my comfort zone and be willing to walk an extra mile if it means something to another person other than me. in other words, it’s Wednesday I would like much more to go out with my friends and give myself a break from the work and business conversations.
To be honest, I don’t think it does mean anything to go to that dinner, so case closed … I am not going.

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Memory

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory,
all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp sputters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
and I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes
tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me,
it’s so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you’ll touch me,
you’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

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I think I don’t know myself well, I also noticed that people tend to analyze and think about the actions and reactions of others and forget themselves.
Sometimes I get surprises with what I do … thank god that doesn’t happen a lot.
But it’s good to sit every once in a while with oneself and have a thorough review of what went on.
From the tags that we have been passing to each other, it grabbed my attention that not a lot of people dream as much as I do. It’s not a big deal I know. But, seriously I dream a lot. 2,3,4 times a night … different dreams, good ones and bad ones.
It also happens that I wake up and realize, I still have 10 or 15 minutes till it’s 7:30 and decide to sleep again and guess what… I dream.
Apart from that, I always visualize things … as if there are no words for me, the conversation transforms itself automatically to pictures and most of the time they are imaginary ones. If I am invited to a party or dinner for instance in a place that I have never been to. I think about it with some kind of visualizing how it’s gonna be based on similar places that I have been too, things I heard about or just a perception.
And of course most of the times things turn out to be completely different.
Another aspect is the past experiences, that is the most painful thing because they are real. People with photographic memories will feel what I am talking about.
I myself don’t be at any ease when I see old pictures. I just remember things that I am comfortable with the fact that they are not on the top of my mind. So bringing them to the surface saddens me especially the good memories or the people who no longer exist for any reason.
I have some photos that were taken in my final year in college. I don’t really have the courage to look at them. I haven’t seen anyone of whom I thought were friends in years and I don’t know if I will be seeing them again. The distances get farther as the years pass.
Not only the people, the whole phase meant a lot to me at college, the place itself although it wasn’t the best but I loved it, the windows, the stairs, where we used to sit, where we used to eat.
So imagine how it feels to be carrying these albums in my head whenever I go. With the slightest thing to trigger the wonderful visions that I am haunted with. Anyhow, It’s a luxury to be haunted with good memories that I am longing to rather than having bad ones that other people have and want to get away from. I have to admit that.
I am a nostalgic person, that’s for sure and may be that what made me realize that whole subject, it gives people the impression that my life is empty that I am always living in the past but it’s not right. I believe in some years I will be referring to this phase and say “those were the days” 🙂

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