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Archive for August, 2006

Heart talks

Truthful eyes are displays of the heart. We are born with pure hearts that their light glows and shine through the eyes. And nothing corrupts the heart more than giving up on it. Hearts need protection and needs recharging with hope and faith. Being connected with our hearts keeps revitalizing it.
My opinion there are many fatal diseases that can attack humans’ hearts… greed, selfishness, cruelty, revenge, outraged jealousy, anger, frustration, lack of faith, ….
These heart diseases range from mild to extreme cases and one very apparent symptom seems to prevail in all cases … this person doesn’t trust his heart any more and as a consequence …he revolves and disconnects his brain to work independently from his feelings, emotions and principles.
His heart gets rusty and dies … then his eyes will no longer reflect anything, and if they do … the picture will be a shrunk colorless dead muscle. A heartless person is a sick person with a great pain, he doesn’t need to be judged but helped. Ironically his only cure is to be loved and believed in.
Back to the truly beautiful talks of the heart … don’t know if I am alone in this but the most precious and wonderful words I have ever felt, I did not hear … I have seen.
Some words have become cheesy since they are greatly misused … if you know someone who has a history with flirting and he said I love you.., will you feel it? won’t you question it?
If someone always turns into this kind and tender person when he wants something (a favor or anything) and then disappears. Would you trust a word from him.
Haven’t you ever happened to see a colleague talking on the phone , saying great things, sucking up and at the same time he is making faces that he doesn’t stand the person he talks to … or you know he is lying.
On the other hand, the number of times that I really wanted to say thanks … I couldn’t find the words to express how I feel… “thank you” wasn’t enough for me to say but I think that the way I said it and from my eyes I could say how grateful I was. Some other incidents where I couldn’t say something but it was felt…
It’s very rewarding when someone comprehends what you want to say and responds as if he heard you asking yourself the question.
When you do not understand something and you find someone figured out that you need help and volunteers to clarify it for you. When someone you love is leaving and you look at him saying nothing but your heart is saying “please stay” and he does.

I can recall very brief heart conversations and though they were mute, they were very much felt and heard.

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Guess I am getting emotional these days after my decision to leave my job to another one. I already wrote my resignation but still I have till the 15th of September.
All of the sudden I am thinking about the goodbyes that I have missed. I don’t hate goodbyes but I guess I wasn’t not brave enough to handle them.
But in all cases they provide a kind of a closure. The hypothetical idea that this goodbye could mean that I will never see this person again hurts. It’s a kind of wound that heals given the time. But the goodbyes that were missed will never heal… they are still open and never had a closure, neither the times nor a distraction will make it better.
All of the sudden, snapshots of my life are flashing in front of my eyes very randomly and very fast.
Our apartment in Alexandria, having coffee with my friends during college time, our school uniform, my five minutes walk down town to reach my office (first job).
The night of the exams, listing to the music show on the radio, night walks on the beach, my eagerness to see M and know that everything will be ok and feel extremely happy, going to the club in the summer, swimming in the pool at night. Attending lectures and laughing in classes. Sneaking out and skipping classes. Waiting for exams results, going for lunch after mid term exams.
I will miss certain things when I leave the company, my friends, our conference calls, going to city starts when our managers aren’t there.
I won’t miss anyone from my department as the ones I used to like already left. Will miss the morning Nescafe that R makes me and puts on my desk before I come just as I like it. OS the lady that prays for me whenever she sees me.
I will miss the feeling that it’s my place and I am known by everybody, to hear good morning from at least 7 people if I decided to go to another department. Meeting my colleagues in the parking lot every morning and telling each other how sleepy we are.
I won’t miss the stress and overload during the AOP and S plan time. But will miss the privilege that I have wonderful friends at work who really love me at work.
I am sure that I am still not aware of everything that I will miss but this is life..
Still I am scared, keep having negative, childish thoughts, what if they didn’t like me, what if they were mean, what if they apologized after I resigned ( there is still no contract). I am anxious and no longer sleep well. Torn between my fear from the unknown and my love to everything I used to “sigh”.

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The story begins one sunny day on a beach, saw beautiful castles built on the sand. I guess I couldn’t recognize the fact that they were not real, they were built for fun and no one ever thought that they could be inhabited.
Dreamt of having a home of my own, not necessarily as big or beautiful as those castles and told myself no matter how humble it’s going to be I will love it because I have made it.
Started to think of the shape of the castle I am going to build, got carried away … lost track of time. Forgot about the other castles and people.
The materials I used were sand, water, passion, dreams and love. My little castle started to take its shape. Wished to get some help but no one offered any…. have to admit I was too proud to ask.
Never lost hope that the one meant to share with me the castle would show up and get the castle done together.
Everyday I used to say he is coming tomorrow … started to get tired. And one day just saw someone standing near me, knew from the first moment that he is like no one else, felt as if I have seen him before, the guy of my dreams came out of my dreams and stood in front of me.
I was thrilled and the way he looked at me was as if he knew me too. Paused for a minute without saying a word till I felt it’s awkward but in my heart I just felt …he is the one.
He never got any nearer but his presence gave me a big push. I worked harder and harder but kept wondering why he is keeping a distance. Is he waiting for a sign from me… what sort of sign does he need. Wouldn’t that be against my pride ? finally just prayed he comes and decided to keep working.
Fell asleep and dreamt that the castle was built and became the most wonderful castle of them all. It was so warm and cozy, went to check out the rooms inside… loved everything about it, the colors, simplicity, an enchanting sunset view from the window, a very soft sound of music that I couldn’t tell where is it coming from and the smell of freshly baked vanilla flavored cookies.
Got outside, looked at the direction of the sea , felt it was farther .. watched the sun getting smaller and turning into a darker orange color while sinking gracefully in the sea. Turned my head and looked around the castle and instead of the sand there was a very nice garden with white and pink roses across all sides and reddish brown rectangular pots of lavender and parsley near all the windows. While exploring the garden I happened to spot just one blue Iris flower in the middle of the greenery. Couldn’t overlook the feeling that it’s sad and lonely and for a reason I empathized with it.
I went and touched it very gently and all of the sudden, I found it aging, drying and wrinkling … the very smooth flower turned to a rough grainy powder in less than a minute. Guess the shock wake me up. Opened my eyes in to realize that it was a just a dream, but felt something in my hand, the same rough grainy powder. it was some grains of sand and found my castle all washed out. Just mild traces left.
No one was still on the beach, it was so cold and the sky was cloudy. Before I could stand up, it started to rain heavily to announce that it was winter already.
Looked further to see if anyone or any of the built castles still exist but they were all gone …
Now that I have learned from the best, I realize that it was all my fault … it’s ok to chase your dream and try to make it real… but sand and water are never the right tools.
How come I wanted something so hard and I didn’t build it as strong as it should have been.

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Only Allah owns and knows the truth. But what about our struggle to know it, our need or even curiosity. I believe we are meant to be truth seekers otherwise things would have been much easier to comprehend.

Everyone has his/her own truth .. set of beliefs and perceptions built over years and form glass shields/ boundaries, that an outsider can not see. Only the one behind them is obliged to see through or even imprisoned in them.

Getting a feeling every once in a while that something is wrong, or missing and wanting to know the truth no matter what. Can result in one of these two scenarios as I believe :

First one: Having enough strength and courage to head wherever I expect to find another deeper or different kind of truth.. .breaking the shields and then eventually a wider space can be created/revealed to be owned, the cycle continues to get bigger and the boundaries get farther. And though there will always be limitations… a bigger world with a wider, multi angled view will emerge.

Second scenario: the attempt ends when the point comes to cross the line, a feeling of intimidation and captivation inside the glass cell starts to grow. Some negative thoughts about not having the willingness to know anything further, having the arrogance of the needless state to know what others say or what actually is going on. Believing that being sheltered in such a cocoon of thoughts and preset ideas is safe and shouldn’t be contaminated under any circumstances. And in some cases, it’s the advance desperation that I am not strong enough to embrace this truth and defend it.

But this cocoon is not that safe . It’s as if you are closing your eyes, ears, heart and mind, disabling your senses but guess what … a shocking truth can always know its way to that shelter, attack really bad causing the shield to devastate resulting in immersing exposure to what you were always hiding from.

Don’t know if the truth is relative or it’s just everything is ,much more sophisticated than what we think it is.

How do you expect me to tell the truth when nothing can be accurately described or fairly measured?
A plant that I can see as clearly green will never stay as green. The one whom I think is a saint is just a human and may/will make mistakes. A reliable favorite piece of furniture can get broken the next day. My side of the story is never the same as my opponent’s. And much different that the whole story from an eyewitness or outsider’s point of view.

Even my feelings and emotions not just change but are not understandable to even me. so asking a question related to them will give you a different answer every time you ask even if we assume that the answers were going the same direction all the way, still they vary in their extent.

What made me think of all that … well, I just found myself 28 asking so many questions, wondering about many things and I am seeking to take a glimpse of truth.

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My opinion is, Egypt didn’t play the role that was required from it during the Lebanese crisis causing great frustration and anger among Egyptians and generating many questions, energy and willingness to do anything to help our brothers and sisters .Watching from a distance was a nerve wrecking experience.
But the initiative to dedicate a hall in Ard El Ma3ared for Lebanon has given us the opportunity to share, help and participate … it’s the least. But we needed it.
I went last Sunday, yesterday and today … you can see the improvement yourself, watching the number of volunteers increasing everyday. Not to mention the trucks and the boxes inside the hall pilling up and occupying more space everyday, and knowing when did the plane leave to deliver the stuff there. Mashaa Allah !
Yesterday and today when we left, we were really worried and kind of sad that we got so tired and couldn’t continue helping the guys, still a lot to be done.
They all work very seriously, no talking, no time wasted, only workers getting the stuff out of the trucks and volunteers carrying, packing and labeling them.
When we reached there yesterday, we arrived at nearly 7pm, the guys were packing cheese, so in order to do that we had to carry them and put them in a spot across the hall. My friend (S) found out that our role was to pick up the cheese packs from one place to the other to be labeled … she looked at me and said “you said packing.. it’s not what we are doing”.
Today, was truly packing, …. After a while she told me “yesterday was easier, she
Looked extremely tired but she looked and said …still a lot of stuff, we have to come tomorrow. We came back sweaty and tired but we were happy.
If you are still wondering what can do, please go there it’s Ard El Ma3ared – Nasr City, volunteer and give the guys a hand. Another thing, if you would like to share with purchasing stuff, I asked the Organizer there (his name is Gehad) and he told me they are short in Baby food (Gerber).

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I don’t want to think of what exactly is the reason behind my anger. In fact there are many tiny reasons that resulted in the way I feel today.
Will just mention one of the things.., woke up early today to make it to the interview.
Drove my car to the bank, parked, entered the bank and headed to the Chairman’s office.
Everything went good thank god, but I was so nervous but I tried my best to conceal it.
Anyways, I finished the interview and went to my car again and there was a surprise.
I found a big piece of metal hooked in my car. Why is that … found out that I shouldn’t have parked in this area. To tell you the truth there was a sign. But still, why didn’t they stick the ticket ? why is this idiotic procedure.
First: if there aim is that this area is not suitable for parking and parking there might cause an accident or something. Why do they ensure that the cars will remain more time till they come and clear these hooks.
I waited for the officer, he came and remained inside his car, asked me for my driving license and car registration … so I went and gave it to him from his car window.
He was frowning, talking in a bit aggressive tone and he made me pay the penalty fee and withdrew my driving license .
Nice start … isn’t it?

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Peace Now

Mixed feeling have come over everybody (happiness, fear,victory, sadness while watching the destructed beautiful country and deceased civilians, … )
The real victory for me is that the misery is over.
The Lebanese resistance has made us all proud after our governments have failed to be up to our expectations.
My prayers for peace as I know that Lebanon will be rebuilt again as long as the people have the spirit, faith and resistance. (God bless the martyrs).
The Lebanese conflict timelines (Continue)

Sayyed Nasrallah’s speech – Rebuilding Lenbanon

Cautious relief greets ceasefire

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