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Archive for September, 2006

Many thanks my friends for your valuable opinion and insights, I do think too that Maturity has a lot to do with responsibility…
A highlight from Wikipedia confirmed what we had in mind about responsibility.. .it’s related to actions and their consequences.
So in this sense being mature is not only how we are prepared to anticipate, face and then bare the consequences of what we do. but also it’s being responsible about the ACTION first that will have all these followings.
For me … being understanding is mature, controlling one’s anger is mature, picking the right words at a debate is matue, giving execuses to others is mature, forgiveness is mature, loving someone unconditionally is mature, saying the truth with no fear is mature, standing up for your beliefs is mature, accepting the differences and deal with them is mature (being open and flexible), listening to the oponents point of view and respect it is mature, ….
As for my answer for the question, Am I mature? No … not always, trying to be though. Thinking of the how it feels when an imature act or word is faced from someone and how dissapointing it can be. So that’s what I am afraid of that I can hurt or let someone down beacause of my ignorance of the situation, selfishness or my unwillngness to have some dicipline upon myself.
As for the judging piece, what provoked me to write this post was a judgemental opinion related to maturity, It struck me How anyone can judge another so easily.
Maturity is neither a quality nor is it about age… it’s a measurement, a degree of how do we handle situations.
Finally, we can’t expect us or anyone else to be always mature or always right … it’s against being human.
Don’t know if I am right on what I said or not, it’s just my thoughts about maturity.

I know it is just not the time to ask such a question but I really want to know how people think of that word “Maturity” who is “Mature” and who isn’t.
I won’t start and say what my definition to a “Mature” person is. (Will update this post and add my opinion).
But I will very much appreciate to hear what do you think..
Why would you call yourself or any other person “Mature”, how can you judge, what is the criteria.
BTW, I do believe that there is a child inside every one of us who needs care, tenderness, love, security and protection and yet that doesn’t affect her/his maturity.
Don’t you agree ???

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I know it sounds very old fashioned, historic, silly … but I love written / documented communications and I will confess and say I love “letters”. I am very aware of the fact that the conventional letters I have in mind do no longer exist. And yes I mean those very basic letters sent my mail. I just find them sincere and very heart felt.
I love everything about them… beginning with the sweet word “Dear” till the usual , meaningful words of “yours”, “sincerely” or faithfully”. Will you stop and think of their meanings. Can you imagine what does it mean to say to someone “Yours”. No one ever means it that way, not even myself.
The root of my problem is at some events/ incidents or conversations
when they mean something to me I get overwhelmed with them and stop involuntarily listening, sometimes seeing or existing for a very brief while and come back. It’s funny I missed some beautiful words and times in such a black out. Another reason for this peculiar state is sometimes my shyness. I try to hide it, focus on whether people are looking or not and how to act and miss the real thing going on.
I am a good talker by the way, but when I am not prepared or ready … I really babble like what I am doing now at 2:43 am. I don’t normally talk much, I am not loud but I know what language to use, what words to pick and at the same time maintain my spontaneity. I am the kind of people that likes to think then talk. Can’t just say whatever pops in my mind.
Again what is so special about letter, why not emails. Well, I like the fact that they are very much personalized and unique. The hand writing, the type and color of the papers used, the way they are folded, the envelop, they way they are sent or handed… I am crazy I know.
We are fortunate with technology but the personal magic touch has disappeared for good. I sound like my grandma but as much as I like computers, cars and modernized life style, I do love simplicity and originality.
I am so much influenced by some movies in that post and I would like to mention them… “lake house” about the letters, “You have got mail” … how does it feel to keep checking your mail waiting to have a specific one and “A walk to remember” for other reasons.

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What do I know to anticipate that something will go wrong, try to avoid a person or skip an event. I have learned today that being out there and facing what is meant to be encountered is just much fulfilling and comforting.
Worst case scenario, when things don’t go the way we wished to , we only get to live it once, dump the bitter part of the bad memory/incident, keep the part where the lesson was and just move on. On the contrary, trying to maneuver and escape the piece that is expected to be undesirable will only consume our brains and feelings, the negative assumptions and phobic thoughts will just take over for good as we never get a closure to this subject except that we think it’s over but you never know. It’s a small world and what was avoided can just emerge when it’s least expected not to mention the good unexpected twist that could have been missed.

In short I went to my farewell gathering tonight, it was surprisingly beautiful. Everyone was so nice, warm and concerned. Now I can say there is really no hard feelings, every negative thought I used to have, has totally been wiped off.
I am really so relieved to have the chance to have a wonderful closure. And walk away with such an exhilarating experience.

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Tag: Favorite blogs

As a respond to Tarek’s tag. I want first to affirm that my favorite blogs/bloggers are all here in the right , check my sidebar,,, these blogs are not only enjoyable for me but I am sort of connected to them and inspired by them in so many ways. It’s by no mean a complement… most of these bloggers don’t know me in person and some of them may not know they are linked here.
I would like to categorize the blogs I like with some examples… let’s get started:

Blogs I like to start my day with: Nermeena, Engy, Wonderer, Blue (Lasto Adry), Why … they are funny, outgoing, surprising, and amusing.

Blogs I MUST find a time to read it whenever a new post is published: The Gnostic blogger … my all time favorite blog.
Why… it’s interesting, wonderful writing and amazing topics.

Blogs I admire and respect: Bent Masreya, Zeinobia, Cold Desert and Green Data … there is something in common between Ahmad and Tarek’s blogs… technical posts however Ahmad is having a separate blog for that purpose, another common point their sense of humor.
Why… they are beneficial, decent and you feel they make an effort, dig and search to present something of value. Due salutation:
Ahmad: his daily diary of the war as well as his attitude during the crises.
Tarek: his supportive and mature posts responding to Laila’s campaign.

Enjoyable and indulging blogs: Rain, Me and Jannah ,,,
Why… very classy, emotional and spiritual. I like Psychicwizdom’s ideas too but her blog is more realistic and rational if I may say. But I can amazingly connect with her … sometimes I read her posts and find the exact words I wanted to write about… telepathy may be.

Personal blogs: like Moon
Why… she speaks about herself and her life in a very sincere way and by the time I just appreciated her openness and it became a habit to go check on her by visiting her blog and see how are things going with her.

Occasionally (due to the lack of time): I visit Manal & Alaa I like the idea and I do thank their efforts but I don’t feel at ease because of the language often used by some of the commenter with opposing opinions and some obscene (outrageous) posts. I am not criticizing or judging, I understand and respect the differences between people and backgrounds.

Note: again these names are examples to some broad categories.
To all whom I couldn’t mention …you are already part of my blog, day and life and I am very grateful for letting me share your thoughts.

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Ramadan Memories

It’s not much of a thing, just felt like writing my very simple memories about ramadan in the Egyptian colloquial language. My sweet sister hosted me in her pink blog …Ooooops planet (Sorry Nerro, It’s a planet I know :D)

It’s how I felt them. (here).

Here is Ramadan Gana song for download (thanks to Hossam)

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  • Neither a guarded castle nor a thousand locks can make you feel secure; heart has its own security measures.
  • Possession in love is not a crime, when you need to be captured, captivated and taken away from everything that ever existed and get acquainted to a whole new place that you can feel for the first time that you belong to… will else can matter?
  • You don’t have a story as long as you are not willing to hear what the other side had to say.
  • Tulips are classy and romantic, roses are romantic and sincere.
  • He was picking on a debate; I didn’t comment, remained silent as when he was expecting opposition from the readers. I just wanted to say thanks for being considerate, understanding. It’s enough for me that you wanted to listen (To a blogger whom I am not sure he will read this).
  • No relationship is risk free nor can it be guaranteed.
  • Instead of assuming what can be better for me, just ask.
  • About spontaneity, even the dumb thing I sometimes say are better that saying things I do not really mean.
  • Passion, Passion, Passion… enormous, intense invisible force, it’s radiating, inspiring and contagious.
  • I have never been impressed with people often known as “impressive”, guess I have a different definition.
  • Why do I find it normal when someone tells me that drawing is not his/her hobby and they find it hard when I say reading is not among my hobbies.
    I don’t have the tolerance for long reads, I am kind of analytical… I want to know something I go and search for it in books, internet wherever… it’s for the sake of knowledge not reading itself. I used to study on my own, just get the books, research, summarize and prepare my own notes about it. I remember the first time I read the Alchemist I wanted to do the same thing. Literature for me is a luxury or a treat I give my soul when I need. What is wrong with that?
  • Have you ever wished you have never met a certain person, not because he is a bad one but because he was too good to be true.
  • How will you know if a person is trustworthy if you never give him a chance? This chance can be a test… and no matter what the result will be, at least you have tried.
  • Heard it once on one of the shows that I can’t stand but I liked it “Winners do things losers don’t want to do”.
    I have no problem saying sorry if I was wrong. The hard part is the admission not the apology.

Insignificant thoughts (1), (2), (3), (4)

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What I am about to say is not new, it is said all the time but I felt it immensely in my last day at work…. last Thursday.
Won’t go through this day’s details , really can’t… it was very emotional for me and I don’t want to recall it.
So let’s stick to the basic observation:
Look at us … the fact that we are different from each other enables us to exchange and trade what we have/own to get what we can’t have on our own.
Emotionally, it’s so much different, what you give is what you get, nothing else.
I used to complain and whine about being treated by the people I work with like a machine and not a human being, why are they that cold. And how come people from other departments are warmer and nicer to me. My friends are from other departments. Never thought about the meaning of that and to be honest …was always looking at them, looking at what I am getting and skipping the part of what did I give.
From day one I was keeping distances and building barriers, I was never ever myself with them. There were always me at work and me at the real life… what am I schizophrenic?.
I was always in control, treating them in a very formal way, kinda felt that it’s more professional to act that way. It used to work so well with my superiors. They used to appreciate me for it., but may be I got too far with it..That’s what I have given them till my last day.
On the other hand, I was more friendly with people outside my department… as long as they are not directly impacted from my work, it’s ok to open my heart and be myself.
So there were always two commodities I used to offer: work and care. Work was being rendered to the people I report to. Care and respect to anyone else.
Another factor being shy and not loud may be hindered my feelings to reach everyone.
To cut the long story short, my boss was so nice that day but my pears were acting as if nothing is going on.
I understand that some people are capable of separating their feelings from work. But I personally don’t like such a way so how come I deliberately I act like one.
Custodians, security guards, my very dear friends, and even people I didn’t expect, from the agencies, our company in Dubai, AY … they were so sweet and seemed sad saying goodbye.
It was so overwhelming to have them ask if I am going to change my phone number, urging to stay in touch, saying we will miss you, their wishes and prayers. meant a lot to me… really did.
Believe it or not I left the department so silently, just wrote them an email and disappeared. Have to admit that may be I was harsh again as they are not all that cold. And they were preparing for a farewell dinner for me and another colleague who is leaving too next week but that’s what I did. At night during that day (I) called and asked why did you leave so suddenly, we were surprised I told him it’s because of T and S mainly. He continued I will arrange for a friendlier outing. Felt much more comfortable and learned that chapter’s lesson. Next time I want to receive more attention and care …I just have to give it first.

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Happy Birthday Rain

Since my dear friend and the sweet blogger Rain didn’t write about her birthday… I decided to celebrate it here till she is back to blogging, hopefully today 🙂


HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAIN

Wishing you all the joy and happiness that you deserve.

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Kolenya layla

She started to grow up, went to school and a whole new world has opened its arm to show her what’s inside. She decided to go and explore, till she found a guard following her wherever she goes, dictating what she can do and what she can’t, what she can say and what she can’t. Looked at her friends and found other guards just like him standing beside each one of the girls.
But one observation was always there…boys never had guards with them.
She went and asked her parents about the guard, they said he is Mr. Customs and traditions, he is the society’s representative, He is there for your own sake and protection. She asked further more and what about all you have taught me…principles, values and religious learning’s. They replied: we can’t help it; we will be criticized if we fired him. What will people say about us, about you?
She got older, more mature and got accustomed to her life. And somehow saturated with the culture she has brought up in.
Went to a broader world, found different patterns than the ones she used to see; the conservative, guarded girls. The problem is they belonged to the other extreme. She struggled sometime but found a way between this and that, a moderate way, that doesn’t differentiate between guys and girls and doesn’t take social or economical status into consideration. It just knows what is right and what is wrong.
Continued her journey at work, with great passion and enthusiasm, trying to prove herself and grow. The assumptions at the beginning were that she is not good, or solid enough. That was challenging but she said I will do whatever it takes to prove them wrong.
Started to think of the ones she is willing to share her life with. …where he is and how will she know him. She saw different, not so encouraging types, I must say she wasn’t lucky… ranging from the one who is totally irresponsible, to a hesitant, greedy, insensitive, or Mr. I can do better and this type is sadly prevailing.
He thinks since he makes a good living, guys to girls ratio in Egypt is like 1 to 15 (it could be more, don’t know the exact ratio, guessing). So he has to be very picky and very selective. And he forgets that girls are human beings and their feelings have to be respected.
He remains thinking and thinking and have this shortlist of girls and starts examining.
Then to continue the bargain, he takes his family and check the bride’s house, ask how many TV sets they have and how many AC’s and cars they own, stay for hours. (I swear to god it happened), getting into some other financial aspects, causing great discomfort for the girl’s parents, and then just leave for good. Why, no one knows.
And then she has to endure the society’s intervention in her life and curiosity of why she didn’t get married. Why would she marry anyone comes at her door if she doesn’t think he is the right person or she doesn’t have feelings for him… the society? Again Mr. customs and tradition?
If only they know that she is not after the diamond ring (it’s just a rock), or money or the title “Mrs” to please people around her. If only they know she needs care, emotional security and protection. The greatest thing she can offer is love and that’s what she only wants in return. Life is all about sharing and she is willing to build with him a life rather than inherit it.
I saw a movie the other day, the main female character wrote a letter and said “I miss my trees”, the response of the one who loved her was, he went and took the tree off the ground and planted it where she resides. I know it’s fancy stuff.
But that’s all what we all want the tree never the rock , appreciation and support at work and a childhood with no guards other than the parental loving teachings.

http://laila-eg.blogspot.com

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Questions

Since I decided to resign and I have been thinking how things will be after that.
I love stability but I invested like five years in my company, indulged to prove that I am good and I am a hard worker.. till I woke up one day and found myself 28 with less friends and single. My life was home, work and absolutely nothing else.
I was raised by a military man (my father) and a headmistress of a school (my mother), imagine the combination. Used to study on my own, never failed at school or collage, never done anything that I regret. The only outing that we were permitted to was the club. The thing is I never moved on… I remained the disciplined girl that is shy and try the hardest to conceal it to look as if I belong to the work environment.
When I first joined the Marketing department. I used to stay up to 9 and 10pm and return home with a great back pain and red eyes from sitting in front of the computer for long hours, loosing weight as a result of having one meal a day. Looking pale and stressed out. Till I decided to leave on time, turn off my cell phone and have some ME time. Actually this ME times was more of family time but since I wasn’t there for them for some time, It was good for me.
From that time and I have revolted against my life style and decided to look for another job that will be less draining. Things got worse after my boss left and it was as if all what I did was in vein. Had to start over with a new boss.
Till I had the opportunity and decided to leave the company and join the bank. I proceeded with telling my boss and HR director, who tried to keep me with some promises that I didn’t trust.
Then after the approval of the resignation, I told less than 10 people and the news flew to the others.
Next week will be my last one and I am already sick of these questions that I am being asked from 9 till 5:30 everyday from different people, even the ones who are not close at all :
When will be your last day? “Why are you leaving the company”. “And where are you going”, “Are you traveling”, How good is your other offer” , “Do they pay well”, “how did you apply”
Another kind of asking the same questions:
“Are you leaving because of anyone here… (Maintaining an eye contact trying to make me confess? “
“How was your meeting with the HR Director, what did he offer you not to leave”
I am a very open person, have really nothing to hide but asking intensely makes me wonder.
I am scared from the change but excited at the same time. Wish me luck.

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It’s only part of being human to screw up, get confused, rise and fall…
God expected us to do so otherwise the promised forgiveness upon repenting wouldn’t have been mentioned.
Each day is a learning experience and one of the learning approaches is “trial and error” method.
Perfectionists (I am confessing I myself am one, but I am really working on it) have this super power of self frustration. They ask themselves for a lot, set high expectations from themselves and in the end nothing they do is ever good enough.
If you want to tease a perfectionist, give him a task and let him compete with another person. I assure you that he will take more time, exert more effort, the result will be fancy but he will get drained. That actually opposes productivity rules.
They miss the fun and enjoyment of doing things occupying their heads with the anticipated result.
Another way of seeking perfection is locking oneself up in a kind of utopia, with a lot of entrance restrictions. Ranging from the fear of an unknown person, assessing him and then give him a pass to enter if nothing goes wrong.
I don’t know if it’s a fear from disappointment or from that person’s flaws. I believe it’s disappointment that scares the most.
Seeking a perfect state in even one tiny aspect in life is not also achievable. Example: if I am intolerant to lying… Is it possible that I will know a person who has never lied? Is it possible that I myself have never lied before? Of course not.
Seeking perfection is all about flaws rejection from oneself or others.
It’s about perception, understanding that imperfection is natural. It’s also very relative… For girls, some of us do conceive men’s tears as sign of weakness. For me, it’s sensitivity and precious feelings that he trusted you with … after all he is a human being. We have to eliminate the judgmental part and be more mature about it. There is nothing more valuable that you can be granted and awarded with than trust.
It takes a great deal of courage to be out there and don’t shy away from our flaws ,faults and feelings .If there is anything that can be enhanced or changed, it would be fine and if not… it’s ok.
Our flaws create a neediness state that calls for support, sympathy and compassion from another person and the interrelationship between them creates warmth and love provided the atmosphere and understanding it will grow.

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I am not a summer person by all means. I do love this month so much may be because of the beautiful memories that I have related to school and college…
I wrote a post a year ago and was surprised that the same feelings are coming back to me.
One good advantage of blogging is keeping track of some events and thoughts.
I got this idea of thinking about what each month represents to me, let’s try it out:
(Warning … it’s very simple and childish 🙂

September: Reminds me of how things were when I was younger … the stationery, school uniform, pack bags, shoes, books, …
October: things get calmer and the day gets shorter … wonderful strolls in the morning.
November: Just wait for it to rain … for me it’s like an official announcement of winter.
December: woolen clothes and boots, I love winter outfits, they are always dressy and I believe I look my best in winter.. .so do most of people, you don’t see sweaty people in the street. Don’t know everything looks classy in winter.
January: gets colder and colder, in Egypt that’s the coldest month of all. It rains more often as well. At night there is nothing better than a family or friends evening watching TV or talking with the heater on, drinking hot chocolate.
Cinnamon rolls or chocolate cake are always very much recommended in such evenings 🙂
February: Still cold with brighter, sunny mornings.
March: It’s for me the complete opposite of September, it announces that the spring is just around the corner … the weather is wild and unpredictable with sand storms.
People complain about the weather, allergies, dust … I noticed that it’s not only my mood is affected but most of people as well.
April: we get used a little to the warmer weather and begin to appreciate that green color taking over and wonderful flowers glowing under the golden rays of the sun.
May: what can I say … I have to like it, My twin sister and I were born in May 🙂
June: Hot June, the day time is getting longer and it’s summer holiday for school students, everywhere is crowded and the traffic becomes horrific.
July: Oh Hotter… one thing you can do to make it better… RUN, seriously traveling to the north coast or Alex becomes a must to take a break and escape from the heat.
August: THE HOTTEST but knowing that September will follow makes it pass. This month is like preparing to hibernate. Whoever haven’t get the chance to travel, he travels as of it’s forbidden to travel to coastal cities after this month.

Apart from this calendar .. there comes Ramadan, at a different timing each year but it deserves a post of its own.

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