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Archive for April, 2007

I don’t know is it Spring that affects my mood or the mood swings I am experiencing are generated from within.

Over the past days, the weather has been unbelievable erratic to the extent that the fours seasons were very clearly witnessed in just one day.
Which was the case with me too, in one day and for no good reason I am suddenly… happy, nervous, calm, irritated, want to cry, want to scream, very sympathetic, mean, … it’s crazy,,, isn’t it.

Will start my HR classes next month isA and now I am searching for a job in that domain to back up my studies and change my career. Doesn’t seem easy though.

Summer is arriving this year with some old breeze from the 80s, didn’t you notice?
For may be the first time, I feel like I have had enough of coldness and looking forward to summer with all the exaggeration it brings.

Here is a question what comes to your mind when you think summer?
I personally think… vacation, salt water, humid air, the aroma of mango and guava, stylish yet comfortable clothes with shinny colors, tanned skin, melon, cantaloupe and kiwi. Sunny hot weather, night outings, walks and swimming.

Nesrina, back to work!

Update: there is a butterfly in my office, how pretty!

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أنا فين

فى صباح يوم الجمعة أستيقظ لأجد جدتى بالبيت جائت لقضاء اليوم معنا، أسمع صوتها فأجرى عليها كالطفلة الصغيرة سعيدة بوجودها معنا و بتحسن صحتها التى أمكنتها من صعود السلم و زيارتنا.
أمضينا اليوم كله نتحدث، حتى أستوقفتنى عبارتها ” بصحى الصبح مش عارفة أنا فين و لا أمتى، فى أى ناحية من السرير… ياااااااه أنا باين عليا كبرت أوى”. فكرت ثوانى ثم قلت ” لأ يا حبيبتى … دا مش كبر أنا كمان بيحصلى كده… ، كل وقت كبير و بتفاوت. يعنى بتحصل أنى أصحى و مابقاش عارفة اليوم ده شغل و لا أجازة و مرة مش ممكن أنساها… صحيت و كان عندى حالة أشبه بفقدان الذاكرة لمدة دقيقة تقريبا… بس كان غريب و مخيف، مكنتش عارفة احنا الصبح و لا بالليل، فى الشتا و لا الصيف، انا لسة فى الجامعة و لا بشتغل و لا باعمل ايه بالظبط… ”
لم أفكر بهذه الحالة كثيرا على اعتبار أنها عارضة و فى نفسى قلت ” ما هو يومى يعنى … صحيان بدرى، شوارع زحمة، شغل، تليفونات بترن، العربية… الزيت… البنزين… ناس بتكسر عليا و بيشتموا ويقلوا أدبهم… حوادث مريعة، مديرى… زمايلى…، ناس كويسة و ناس منفسنة و بتدور على الغلط، ورق فى كل حته… كمبيوتر طول اليوم لحد ما ظهرى ما حسش بيه و عنيه ما تشفش حاجة، ناس بتتكلم وبتزعق و بتتريق و مش عاجبها، و يا سلام لوحد تعب و لا كان عيان ..”
ومع ذلك أنا أعلم تمام العلم أن حياتى لا تعد صعبة على العكس لاأنكر أنها مليئة بالنعم الحمد لله ولكنها مزدحمة… و هناك فرق يين الامتلاء والازدحام.
لم أسئل جدتى عما يزحم حياتها و يشوشها حتى تمر بهذه الحالة، و لكنى أسترجعت حكاياتها طوال هذه السنوات … الطفلة التى توفى والدها البروفيسور فى الموسيقى و أمضت جزء من طفولتها مع جدتها التركية ، حرب الألمان ومستشفى العباسية المليئة بالجرحى و الشوارع المليئة بالدماء ، … الإضراب و هى طفلة تمشى على قضبان المترو الابيض كما كانوا يسموه لأنها لم تكن تعرف الطريق الى بيت جدتها .. زواجها و هى لم تكمل الستة عشر عاما و أولادها، العزال و انتقالها من بيت الى آخر، فقدان أخيها، الناس … الست حفظة و سى أحمد، السنوات التى طويت و الأيام التى مرت، زواج أولادها … ولادة أحفادها، فقدان أمها، زوجها … أصحابها وأقربائها الواحد تلو الأخر… بداخلها تسئل ” يا ترى الدور على مين …”.
حياتها الأن أيسر و أبسط و المسؤليات أخف و لكنها مسكونة بذكريات و زخم سنين طويلة،
أفكارها ممزوجة بتفاصيل الماضى و قلبها مشبع بعواطف، مشاعر، أمل و ألم و خوف و حب وحنان و هموم و أيمان.
جلست هى و أمى و أنا و بداخلى أتخيل هذا التسلسل من الصلابة.. نعم أعتقد أننا كجيل أضعف ممن سبقونا، و أعتقد أنى شخصيا أنى لا أستطيع استيعاب ما عابشته جدتى.
فأنا على صغر سنى و قلة تجربتى بالمقارنة بها أدخل لأنام واذا بعاصفة من الصور و الأفكار تهاجمنى و تصارع احساسى بالنوم و ينتهى بها الأمر اما بالانتصار و حرمانى من بضع ساعات نوم أو الهزيمة أمام التعب و الارهاق. مما يعطى العقل الفرصة للراحة من التفكير.
فى نفسى أقول “لو حصل لى كدة مرة تانية مش هقلق هقول ان العقل بس بيعمل شوية هيبرنانشن و لا باور سافينج عشان يتحمل …”.
سبحان الله خلقنا مزودين بآليات بقائنا و لكن كثرة الانشغال و الركض وراء الحياة ألهتنا عنهم و أصبحنا نرى الأشياء كصورة من بعدين و نسينا البعد الثالث “العمق”. ننظر للحياة و لا نرى أنفسنا… حتى يأتى العقل الباطن ليذكرنا و حين نهار نستيقظ لنقول ” … أنا فين”.

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Vision

Suddenly she was alone in a canoe, couldn’t remember when did she come or how.
The sun was turning into light orange and the sides of the river were guarded with darker greens. She closed her eyes and saw nothing but carroty beams of light, carroty as in color and as in sweet.
The sun announced its departure, had an appointment at the other side of the world.
Got smaller and smaller, darker and darker… , the wind quietly began to blow and the sky started to regain its blue gradients pulling the last rays from the shriveled sun.
She could hear the sound of the friction and could see the detachment of the red and the blue.

A tender voice started to sing, so deep and so far, but soothing and comforting… she looked around to see where was it coming from, while it began to get clearer and louder. She turned and found him right behind her, shockingly …she tried to ask but
his song just swept her of her feet, didn’t give her the chance to say a word.
It was an extraordinary song, so new to her ears as if words and music have just been invented but was so familiar to her heart as if its lyrics were hidden all that time in her chest without her knowing.
She started humming and then singing … . They formed a duet.
The song drifted her away and so did the canoe, she looked at her hand thinking she was holding something but it was empty… warm, a bit reddish but empty.
She forgot all about the paddles…, one of them was lost, probably slipped of her hand and fell into the water and the other was seated in the hull. But the canoe continued its way to the next bank.
It got chillier but she was feeling warmer and happier than she has ever been. She also felt prettier and that was true … her face was bursting radiance, glow and blush.
The charming sunset scene exceptionally took longer than it usually does. Celebrating and fighting the dark shades from coming and running the image.
The last flock of leaving bird has passed, the wind blows got tougher and the splashing of currents started hitting their boat.
Night crawled suddenly as the canoe was approaching to the bank, their voices faded and the song ended.

She felt awkward and got off the boat very quickly, she didn’t know what to say or what to do…
She noticed that two men were looking at the canoe and talking, thought they could be talking about them.
But they didn’t try to stop their talk as she was getting near them. They didn’t seem to care.
She continued moving towards them till she was actually just beside them while they were still murmuring … they then shook hands and one of them said “ as you see this canoe hasn’t moved an inch since a month and I am counting on you to have it as good as new”.

Right then she realized that the canoe, sunset and startling beauty
Were all part of a vision and so was she.

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As a child I learned about happiness, sadness, fear, changes, life’s ups and downs, differences, money, sickness, love, anger, patience,manners, life and death, …

As a child I learned what missing means, being a daughter of a military man who only had the chance to visit Cairo every 21 days. I couldn’t count the days and couldn’t tell when daddy would be coming the next time. All I knew back then was missing him and missing the bed time stories he used to tell.

I also learned to feel and respect my grand father and uncles whom I have never seen, just knew them from my parents’ stories and their pictures hung on the wall at granny’s place. Learned to be proud of them and be thankful for their strong roots that have made me who I am.

At a certain point I realized that losing is part of winning and fed myself the harsh fact that nothing remains the same.

My very first close friend at school was Jina, one day she came to school and told us that she is immigrating with her family to the US. I went to my mother asking her “what does immigration means”… felt sad but life went on and I managed to make other friends.

Then my aunt decided to go to the US as well… my mom wanted to make it easier for me, so she told me… “you just have to study very well and then I will let you visit her in the summer vacation”. I studied well and the summer passed followed by tens of other summers and I never went there.

I also learned about excelling in class, popularity and being favored by other people, though I have never been any of these. I was just a normal kid, never failed but never excelled, wasn’t so popular but was recognized, can’t tell I was favored but was loved by very special few people… that was a lesson about satisfaction.

I discovered that I can learn things on my own, taught myself how to play Piano … true without a note but I could play.

I used to study by myself, could say what should and what shouldn’t I do.
Learned to ask “why”, and say “no” and “it doesn’t make sense… explain to me”.
Didn’t do home works when I thought it would be a loss of time and used to go to school the next morning and say … “I didn’t do it” without being afraid.

I was a strong child and that what I still am but ironically as we get older we tend to acquire and develop some qualities and skills while ignoring others till they diminish and disperse. And I think what I should regain is the flexibility and tolerance of this whole learning phase as long as it never ends.

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