Archive for the ‘Attitude’ Category

I feel that most of the time we just react to situations, we don’t spend some quality time alone to think and plan. We are taking decisions on the go.. and these decisions are often influenced by the moment’s mood, external temporary factors, emotions,…
We don’t always have the luxury of deferring issues till we can think, scrutinize and look into details. But had we have this time we should realize that we need to look inwards not only outwards…

Look at people in the streets and see their faces, do they look happy, content, satisfied,… ? no matter what their status is, no matter if they are in the bus, walking or driving a fancy car. To me some people look like they aren’t even alive, they look disconnected from their surroundings. And others are really aggravated, like a bomb … Only god knows what burdens/aches are they enduring and what are their hidden stories.

A real attempt and time should be invested in trying to connect, find some inner peace, discover and comfort oneself. Family and friends are important but they are not enough.
There is a great need to gather and unite your scattered thoughts, soothe your mind, ask questions and try to find where the enjoyment is…
Some people do exercises and practices like: meditation, yoga, prayers, …
And it really does help.

Another practice that should be sought; beauty appreciation … yes you might be having serious problem but god has perfected this world so we can enjoy his bless.

Last but not least, some compassion, empathy and thoughtfulness are so gravely required.
Do the effort and reach for others, no matter if you know them or not …may be they need your help, some consideration and forgiveness, a comforting words or even a smile.
Do it because you needed to as much as they did, you don’t have to be rewarded… you will always be remembered as the perfect stranger sent from heaven.

Now why don’t we grab a remote control, press mute … feel the quietness, sink into our souls, listen, feel, evaluate, keep the love inside and take the negative energy and thoughts away, purify our hearts and get once more to the surface, share and celebrate our being with the world.

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Two months ago, if you have asked me what was my coworker’s shirt color.
I would have said.., I don’t know, what was it… blue ? :S
This is just a simple example of how a bad observer I used to be.
Moreover, I would have said, I don’t care. It’s none of my business and I don’t judge people based on how they dress …

I haven’t changed my opinion by the way, but I have changed my outlook…
Have started reading about body language and reading people… (Haven’t bought books yet, just surfed the internet and read so many articles).

I heard at work an HR specialist once saying … I read people.
She mentioned something about a colleague and later on it has been proved right. May be it was one lucky guess? … may be. But still the fact that paying more attention to what people say and most importantly how they say it, can pretty much reveal what they mean and who they are.

We all have the gift, a sixth sense kind of thing that sometimes warns us upon meeting specific people that, they are not what they seem.
It can’t be described; it’s just a feeling that you are not comfortable.

The same gift makes us know when someone is lying.,, from the eyes, tone of voice, how nervous or cold that someone is, how consistent is the story being told.
And can also tell him/her that you are not buying it without saying a word.

However, some people are hard to read.. real bad people; of course because they are well trained, in full control of their body language .. they are not transparent.
Flirts/womanizers are somehow hard to read, it’s funny because you can easily tell they are interested but yet you can never tell if they are sincere. (good news … read them in an encounter with some other girl, watch the show and laugh out loud 😀 )

So it’s not always about the physical appearance, it’s what your postures, gestures and eyes are revealing. We just have to pay more attention if we really want to send and receive correct complete messages/ signals to one another.

About physical appearance and grooming, they do reveal things about the personality as well… it’s like a puzzle, so many pieces you put together to get somehow a closer picture (human beings are very complicated).

Have just remembered an advice a colleague once gave me about guys, since I didn’t use to pay attention. She went like “the three thing you MUST look at are: his watch, shoes and hands”. That was hilarious :D, it’s unbelievable how do people judge.


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Cheerful mood

There are two Arabic words I truly love” الطمأنينة “and “ السكينة”, they were mentioned in Quran and I think their closest equivalents in English are “Serenity” and “Security”
“ الطمأنينة” in specific was mentioned as a verb “يطمئن” or to “feel secure” and was often associated with “قلب ، قلوب” “heart, hearts”
I don’t recall reading “ سعادة “ happiness, have to check again.

I personally feel happy when I feel safe, when I feel satisfied and warm from inside.
I have that feeling today, may be because my annual leave commences next week, so I am putting work troubles behind and getting ready to enjoy the more fun side of life.

I just feel like a child, I want everybody to be happy, I want to go to the movies cross my legs on the chair, eat pop corn and drink coffee and laugh out loud.
I want to have a speedy ride and listen to loud music.
I want to ride a bike …..na, not gonna happen, I have failed to bike since I was young .
I want to wash my car myself without being chased from “el bawab” saying “ la2 maysa7esh keda ya 2ostaza” as if I am committing a sin. The guy doesn’t understand I have different measures as far as cleaning is concerned.
I want to go shopping.
Want to spend sometime with my friends in an open air café, talk and laugh hysterically.
I want to jog in the morning but again I am not a morning person, there is no way I can get up early in my vacation.

Oh … I am getting carried away, still the list is too big.
I hope that feeling I have to stay in my heart and never leave, want to have a stronger faith and a stronger will.

Confession: there is another reason for my happiness, I am eating chocolate right now 😀

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Stronger, fearless, cautious, daring, courageous, thankful, experienced, wise, alive, empathetic, vulnerable, sensitive, forceful, changeable, … HUMAN.

In a conversation: “Nesrina.. it’s not like you”
My answer,” well I have changed, I don’t fear disappointment like I used to be, I would rather handle one more disappointment than losing another chance”.

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“Can’t believe I can speak fluent French, am working in a multinational and I am living this life, deep down I feel …am just an ordinary Egyptian peasant with braids like the ones you see in old movies”…. One of my friends once told me that.

So let me ask …
– What do you see when you look at the mirror?

– What do you remember of your childhood dreams about your future?

– How far are you from those dreams”?

– Do the picture you see in the mirror, and the picture your friends as well as strangers perceive about you match?

– Have you even known what do they see in you? Aren’t you curious?

– If you are not living the life you thought you are gonna have, how did you manage to cope?

– Haven’t you ever felt you are standing on a stage playing a role and hoping you get done with it so you can be yourself again?

– And at a point in time, haven’t you ever enjoyed a specific part of the role or the whole acting thing, thought you might be good since everybody believes you?

– Why do we hide the simplest easily attained dreams inside and try to trade them off with the society appealing sophisticated ones?

– Who are we trying to impress or satisfy?

– Or is the real world just so complicated than we thought and it’s the price we pay to belong.

I think it’s crazy yet fun to have those so many faces… the world is a vast space and when you are younger you tend to believe that since your future is ahead, you can be anything and the problem gets harder when you find you can be so many things.

When I was young I wanted to play piano, wanted to become a painter, wanted to become a teacher, wanted to find the love of my life at college and live a normal simple happy life ever after.
Surprise… Surprise I am neither of the above…

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Testing the water…

Have you ever seen how little children whenever they see something appealing they just jump into it without thinking and with no fear. Scientifically it’s explained as they don’t perceive the 3rd dimension. But I believe it’s just more than that…

We have an interesting Egyptian proverb “Elly yetlese3 men el shorba … :D” it says that who gets his tongue burnt from hot soup will blow in the yogurt.

Personally, I try to take all the precautions possible whenever I am up to something new, though I sometimes feel the urge to just jump and see what happens.
But even when I decide to close my eyes and jump I tend to test the water first which is not always effective neither metaphorically or even literally speaking.

What does it mean to extend your bare foot and see how warm is the water, what if it’s warm and the sea is calm, will you just continue on and immerse yourself in the water? What if … a minute later you get stung by a jelly fish.
What will your next water testing be, now that there has been an unfortunate event in your history.

We all have been stung and we had our share of previous disappointing experiences that leaks bitterness whenever we press on it.
In some other incidences… you can be the water that is being tested, and you wonder what the tester wants to know, why and how to act…
Will you show that you know what is going on or just ignore and see what will happen.

My comment about the whole thing is:
Some things are just meant to be and life doesn’t offer any guarantees.

Years ago I used to do the best I can at work to ensure that nothing goes wrong, one time things got out of my control and I failed to do a specific task… guess what happened? ….nothing !
Then I realized that I am entitled to make mistakes and accidents will happen. It’s how we learn to handle, endure and fix them.

Note to self: it’s so great to write again… I missed that feeling.

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Oh here we go again, It’s Sundays, …the first working day in the week, normally I am sleepy, and looking forward to the weekend already.
For no specific reason I am so hungry today, no wait there could be a reason … I am anxious about the launch event …will I go or won’t I. Am afraid I might not have the option of saying no.
Back to eating, normally when I decide to eat at work my routine meal is oats with milk, my colleagues keep asking me what am I eating, saying it’s babies’ food, I don’t care.. it’s nutritious, good for me, tasty and easy 🙂 . Or it can be substituted with biscuits or kit kats.
When my manager isn’t there we usually celebrate and order food, my favorite is Lebanese food …mana2eesh for instance with thyme and labna, salad from spectra …or for a change junk food (burger and stuff)…that’s very rare.
Today is different; I want to eat things that can never be eaten at work…NEVER!
Keep thinking about…foul (beans) with butter and cumin, white cheese with olive oil, tomatoes and green pepper, brown bread (balady). Or feteer (Egyptian pies), honey, white cheese (Istamboli).
Casper and Gambini has already opened in City Start… it’s now so far for me. I remember when we used to go have breakfast when I was working at (P)- my ex employer.
Anyhow, will get realistic, order a couple of croissants (one with almonds and the other with Chocolate) and have a cup of coffee.


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What are the criteria for success, how can you say you didn’t fail when you actually aren’t moving.
I am not moving, isn’t that failure? When you accomplish something you should supposedly proceed with the next level.
But what does it mean to do things right and often be thanked or appreciated for them and then nothing else happens. It’s not only about work, it’s about everything …
Is it a trade mill, I am walking and sometimes running and when I look around I find myself at the exact same place.
May be I am the one who doesn’t know how to take things to the next level. May be it’s because I like to be offered things rather than asking for them.
Yes I don’t ask for things but it isn’t out of arrogance, it’s just a decision I took based on a history of disappointments.
I have faith and I will remain thankful to god no matter what. After all may be there are good things that I didn’t have but there are bad things that I didn’t experience either. It’s a package in a way, a balanced timely one.
I still need to learn things and above all, I should be more patient.
Recently I am tending to be reactive, doing things without thinking carefully unlike me and then regret and wonder how can I ever fix it.
May be I should let go a little, should be more flexible and give myself a chance.
May be I should do risky things, may be I should find myself another passion to fill the emptiness in my heart… in my soul. May be I need a push…
Soft, encouraging talks aren’t always the remedy, sometimes you need someone to confront you with your flaws and let you see what others see and never told you about. Shake you harshly to let you open your eyes and realize what is going wrong, leave you to think and may be cry…
There is nothing I know for sure… they are all “MAY BE/s”. I am searching for the steps/levels, bored and tired of the flat corridor and want to get out and see the sun.

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6th October City

I joined the banks almost five months ago and I am still trying to adapt, there is something that concerns me for the time being which is the move; the bank’s head quarter will be moved to 6th October City and I don’t know when.
Being a Heliopolis resident who struggles every single day because of the traffic and the long drive to reach Giza and suffers from back pain in the weekends as a result of the long time I spend sitting in the car. All that would make me really worried about the move.

The strange thing is that recently all the job offers I received, the companies were all located in 6th Oct. I used to say no without thinking till I started to believe that all the good companies are located there and I just have to ask if there provide a bus or any decent mean of transportation
There were exactly two offers that I thought about, one of them was a helping offer rather than a job offer and it was from a sweet blogger friend, she knew I was looking for a job so she told me she can talk to the management and ask. That was extremely nice of her. I just feared the distance and I didn’t think I am determined enough to put her in this position then say, sorry I won’t be able to come, it’s too far form me.

Another one was from the Operations Manager of a big company who got my CV from a recruitment agency. He called me yesterday and we agreed to have the interview today, I asked where is the company located, the answer was Beverly Hills – 6th October. (I got disappointed but said ok as he told me there will be a bus from El Thawra street in Heliopolis).

I went to the pick up point but didn’t find the bus, I called a lady that the ops manager gave me her number in case of emergency. It ed turned out that she didn’t know they should have stopped for me.
I called him and he apologized and then asked me if I can make it to Lebanon Sq in Mohandessin as there will be another bus at 9am. I reached Mohandessin at 9:20 so again I missed the ride. He told me that he is already in Mohandessin so that we can meet and I can follow him by my car to 6th October or go with him. I wasn’t comfortable and decided never to consider any offer from a company that I can’t reach on my own.

Anyway, I reached Mohandessin and called him, he asked “how will I know you”, felt awful as if it was a blind date… oufff. Told him I am driving a red Fiat Palio.
I was thinking that I don’t want to follow him to 6th Oct, he might be speedy and I might lose my way at the same time I don’t want to go with a stranger in his car to a place I have never been to.
He came up with an idea to have the interview at a café, I said ok, I didn’t have much of a choice.

The interview went well, but he told me he is not sure about the CEO’s position towards the veil (Hijab). However he doesn’t have a problem at all and he would recommend me. it took about 30 or 40 minutes, then he apologized again for the bus incident and said the usual things “it has been a pleasure ,bla, bla, bla … I will ask the CEO as I told you and in case it didn’t work out, please you have my number … you can call me on friendly basis”.

In my way home, I didn’t know exactly where I was in Mohandessin and since I have a poor or actually zero sense of direction and I always hang out in Heliopolis and Nasr City I found myself in places I have never seen before, (Kobry el sa7el, Rod el Farag, el Mezalat)… thank god I am home safe… Phewwwwwwwwww!

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My colleague who used to share the office with me has resigned. Now the office is all mine and although I will miss her and all , still I am enjoying being alone in the office.
I do enjoy and appreciate a good company, and having a quality time with dear family members, good friends and interesting people.
People whom I can relate to, benefit or benefit from, share with them thoughts and opinions. Listen and talk and feel secure and warm just by being with them.

It’s always about the quality of people not the quantity, I have never had a large number of friends but I have always been blessed with wonderful ones.
I don’t feel comfortable at all in parties, events or large outings, I can’t even talk in the presence of more than five people. It’s not because I am shy or I have nothing to say … I am shy it’s not the reason. The reason is and I am talking about us loud Egyptians, normally you find one of these patterns:

1- Someone starts talking about himself/herself the whole time without giving anyone the chance to say anything other than commenting with two or three words.
2- Someone who plays the role of the funny guy or girl telling jokes and makes fun of people who might be or might not be present.
3- People who talks about something I don’t have enough knowledge about, so I would better listen and benefit rather than interrupting for no reason.
4- People talking about topics that I am not really interested in. So instead of acting like a hypocrite, why don’t I just act politely, smile and leave to have a better use of my time.
5- Talking in public about family or personal matters that I wouldn’t feel comfortable intruding in.

I believe I can’t be regarded as a sociable person, I am more of a calm, introverted kind,
I value people as well as the silent moments and they don’t intimidate me.

I can sit with someone and feel content with just the energy spread from his intellect, charisma or warmth with very few words said but mattered rather than a violent evening of loud voices, hysterical laughs, and phones ringing.

Loneliness has nothing to do with having someone in your room/office or not, it’s having no one in your heart… that’s loneliness. So I thank god I am not lonely.

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Yesterday, I arrived at the office and as per my daily routine I asked for my Coffee, instead I found the office boy getting me tea…. may be he forgot. I drank the tea and hours later I asked again for a Nescafe, he forgot again but this time he didn’t get me anything.

Today, I decided to get my coffee with me, I passed by “On the run” and ordered a medium cappuccino, when I saw the cup I regretted not asking for a large one, it was too small for me. So I ordered another large one.
I drank the large one and looked for anybody in the office to give him/her the other before it gets cold but everyone arrived late today so I ended up drinking them both.

Minutes ago the office boy he proactively decided to get me coffee.
I told him, thanks but I didn’t ask for it….he replied, but you didn’t order anything today, I even thought you didn’t come. Don’t you want it? Didn’t want to be mean, he already made it, … I told him, no I want it… thanks.

It’s funny yesterday, I was dying for a cup of coffee and today, I drank like a liter.
I am getting more and more alert, edgy and my stomach hurts.

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Even if it will last for minutes. I have to start practicing this new approach. Some selfishness might help I believe.

 I want to put myself first and show it.
 I want to talk and say “I” a lot, not the egoistic way but to create a place for myself in the front lines.
 I won’t be the one who is left behind.
 I want to make it a clear statement that I do EXIST.
 I won’t be a victim, won’t sacrifice even the slightest things, my time and my life will have to be respected.
 I am responsible enough and I know what are my duties as well as my rights.

From experience If I won’t do that, no one will.

Rights have to be earned and never granted.

So here I am having my breakfast oats meal, working, and writing.
Preparing a claim for the stationary that I have been purchasing on my expense.
Preparing the other request to have a mobile line as I am entitled to and collect my allowance that I never received.

Money has been a sensitive issue to me even when I was young, didn’t like to ask mom or dad for money. My mom used to go and leave me my allowance in my room or in my hand bag to save me the embarrassment. Still she does that when she feels I am running out of money. She is a wonderful mom, she still treats us as her baby girls.

Anyways, I believe that modesty is key. meaning that there is always a mid way between the two extremes.

Here is a secret: after writing this post, I don’t feel comfortable seeing the “I” commencing the six bullet points.

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Why do you suddenly jump off your chair and click undo?
It’s simply because you realized you made a mistake or something that you would regret and wish it has never been done.
So that’s what I did …
I was just the cursor that went, pointed at undo …and instead of waiting to be clicked, I did the job myself as that was about to be done anyways.
I did it to make someone much more comfortable, out of care and purely good intensions.
I wanted to leave him the space he wanted with sincerely no hard feelings.
To this person, believe me it’s fine, people are different and I accept and respect differences, thanks for making things clear.
And sorry I couldn’t keep my promise, felt there will be a message for me and I was right.
Wishing you all the best in what you are doing.

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Since “difference/ deffrentiation” as a term is the base for making the distinction, I will focus on “difference/s” then.

Human finger prints are differnent, even different within the same hand. A balanced diet has to be diversified with different elements. The sky has a different color accorss the day/ across the year, . … just some simple evidences to show it’s a fact that life contains a huge set of differences that are really useful and essential. The key is that these the components of this set has to work in harmony with each other.

So it’s we who like to point out differences and make them a reason to be unfair.

Think about it … favoring a person or a group over another based on the color, gender, class, culture, religion, social status, abilities, … in fact isn’t based on that factors, it’s always based on personal prefrence and/or benefit that coneals itself by bluffing some reasons, feeding them to the mass and make them beleifs.

People are people, there is only one world and one race, but smashing this world into pieces and make people enemies happened to be the situation that we are all facing and suffering from now.

The roots for descrimination are weak but deep, and if we just dig deeper and get exposed to the others’ points of view we would have all seen the truth.

But since there has already been a history of believing the lies and the resulting pain.
Now even the ones who can see, can not forget what their grand parents and their people has endured.

The history of injustice is blinding them from seeing the light and chasing it to stop more unfair incidents from happening.

If we can forget one another and start a brand new start, leaving behind what we have been fed, what the media has been saying, the myths and stereotypes all these years and stop generalizing and judging , the world would a better place and the black days would be erased from the memories of the next generations.

Why don’t we can learn about the differences, read and listen to people from other countries, other religions, other way of thinking, read their books, discuss their ideas, know their suffereings, intoduce our thoughts and have mature win-win conversations.

It’s ok to have different point of view, it’s ok to object, but do it without hostility, without inforcing opinions or disrespecting others beliefs, without hurting anyone.

Ignorance is the refusal to learn and it’s taking us to the dark ages on the expense of a better future.

Say what you want but listen and always respect what you oppose.

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I began to appreciate weekends more and more at my current work, may because the week days became draining because of the new environment and culture not to mention the long drive.
The thing is I still can’t judge, I have been working there for more than a month and till now I haven’t worked yet at the department I have been hired to work at.
My temporary job is giving me a hard time and it’s mostly because I don’t like him as a person. He doesn’t treat people well and I don’t mean myself but other … I saw him talk badly about colleagues and it hurt me.
I don’t feel secure at that bank. I feel I am a fresh grad that is still figuring out the work life. As if seven years have been dropped. How come I am 28 and I still feel that, although I have the experience and exposure and yet .. .I feel like a kid at a new school.
I decided to look for another job though and I even went to that employment fair last Sunday. I submitted my CV to most of the companies there and then I went and sat with my colleagues at the bank as the bank was present there too.
I tried to help out as there were many people , I asked Dalia what should I do …she told me take the CVs and ask the candidates which department or field they are interested in and write it on their resumes. I did that and I don’t know why I was happy doing that … till she said, whenever the candidate doesn’t look or sound like high profile caliber, write X on his/her CV so we drop it. I tried to do that but it was so hard to know that this simple X would deprive someone from an opportunity he might be in need of. I hate being judgmental and I hate rejection although I am mature enough to know that this candidate might not fit a position in the bank but can truly fir elsewhere. There are qualifications that have to be met and it’s not anyone’s fault.
That day was so exhausting, in my way back home alone in my car, I was driving so fast, it was night and cold … I discovered that I was enjoying it.
The rest of the week hasn’t had anything significant after that other than when I fell on the stairs at work, I hurt my knee but I managed to drive home with my legs trembling.
Thursday was the best as usual, went out with my friends, ate and talked … that was so rewarding. And another piece of a soooooo rewarding thing for me … SHOPPED yesterday… that was so much fun.
Again about work: I can’t get rid of this idea that I went to work at that bank for a particular reason and I won’t be there for long :S (just a feeling).

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