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Archive for the ‘Heart Talks’ Category

Questions

I bet we don’t hear a lot of “why/s” as much as we hear the “what/s”.
People are curious… that’s one way of explaining it but the other side of the coin is … they aren’t brave enough to know what’s behind the picture.

Funnier, sometimes they have no interest in knowing the answers, they have just developed this habit of asking or … they are just killing sometime.

It’s hard to have one sincere genuine heart felt conversation with anyone… people won’t tolerate it. Words are easier and softer compared to the burdening loud feelings.

On the other hand, silence is brutal to those holding their puzzlements inside and those who are chased with them. Out of nowhere an inside a storm fueled with thoughts and confusion just blows carrying all the rage, laughs, memories, pictures, talks, lies, insecurities, fear, disappointments, …every question, every why, and every unspoken answer.

The storm one day just fades, you look and ponder upon the torn books from the strength of the winds and the kept dead roses that have flown and dissolved into the air.

Only then the big answer appears, you turn to yourself with the question and know that the only person who should have been questioned before has always been “you”.

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For the first time in my life I actually saw a rainbow yesterday. Was stuck in 6th Oct bridge’s traffic about 4:30pm. I looked at the sky and there it was.
A strange feeling of happiness crept inside me, I smiled and wished for more rain.

The feeling wasn’t strange, It was surprisingly familiar … like seeing someone for the first time but deep inside you feel that you just know him.
It’s not a Deja Vu kind of thing. It’s more of a new experience to the senses that has been introduced long before to the heart.

I felt that rainbow before, the sad nights and silent tears, followed by a little prayer before I sleep. Waking up the next day with an amazing feeling of relief, peace and hope.

Yes hope is the rainbow and it does exhibit its full stream of colors only after some darkness, heavy stormy rain and faith.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears“. ~ John Vance

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My question is: what if this absence is deliberate?

Will one be willing to go through the whole process of … denial, missing, giving excuses, forgiving, swallowing the pride and stretching one’s arm hoping to reach the other’s hand.

Don’t think so, not sure if it’s worth it, not sure if it will be appreciated, not sure if it’s my call, … not me, not now !

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1. What is love?
2. How can we tell if it’s love, just a crush or any other temporary feeling?
3. Can we still tell if it’s the real thing when every time we thought it was, we discover it wasn’t?
4. How can we know if it’s going to last; feelings do change how can we guarantee they wont’?
5. Is love in the heart waiting for someone to render itself to him or it’s that him who would generate love in the heart?
6. Does love stimulate love; can we love someone because we felt it coming from his way?
7. Some people say that love fades or dies after marriage, and others say it grows after marriage, which path should one consider… to marry a suitable, compatible one and wait for love to grow or marry the one you love and jeopardize the continuation of this love?
8. Why is it so difficult for every one to see how noble and precious love can be?
9. Sympathy, friendship, appreciation ,… hold great deal of love inside them so how can they communicate the right message without hurting or misleading the other party?
10. Shall we look for love, wait for love or forget totally about it?

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I am not in a good mood these days and my head is stuffed with so many thoughts most of them are actually nonsense…

I thought of writing them to clear my head and my heart in order to get rid of that negativity, I am not even sure if I will publish that babble or just keep it as a draft.
How do I start? ,,, it doesn’t matter, does it?

I blame myself for all the things that I couldn’t be, in my high points I feel it’s not my fault and convert them into a push and a challenge, but at my weak moments … I just wonder and wish… wish I was braver, smarter, prettier, had a better job and position, doing more for my family, more active, less shy, less sensitive, less proud, more sociable, more powerful to make a difference, …

Sometimes I feel sad for all the things that I thought I could be when I was young and I couldn’t, feel disappointed.
Of course I do thank god for the life I am living and for all his blesses. And I know it sounds a very egoistic but deep inside I feel distinguishes and special, but when I think about it…no what makes me any of that.

I am also have this intensity in everything I do, may be that’s the problem?
I am average everything, not super in any but when I do anything I seek its perfection, when I love, when I work, when I even go shopping… so I go to extremes and it seems weird and understandable.

Talking about weakness makes me more emotional but relieving.
I need to cry, not because there is something wrong, but I know it will take that burden off me, and will make me feel so much better… but I can’t.
Even crying is too much for me to do.

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When I was a teen I so wanted to find out one day that I have a secret admirer. Yes a typical secret admirer like the ones in movies; writes me letters, sends me flowers, follows me wherever I go without me noticing. I don’t know why…
May be because back then I wasn’t ready for a real face to face confrontation and there wasn’t anyone special that I used to think of.
Heard once a story from a relative, that happened so many years ago before I was even born. She was young and used to find every morning in her balcony Chiclets packs and candy. She didn’t know where do they come from. She tried to know till she noticed that there is a guy lives in the opposite building follows her everyday to school, gets on the same public transportation she uses , then leaves and comes back again to follows her all the way to her home at the end of the day without making any moves or any attempt to speak, as if he was just guarding her. He never said a word, he just kept throwing candy in her balcony and guarding her silently and very politely.
I do remember also that when I was in college, a friend of mine used to have a crush on a guy thought one day to bring him a rose and put it in his empty mug in the cupboard. But she changed her mind after that, fearing she might be caught in the kitchenette doing that.
To tell you the truth now I am not sure if I would like to have a secret admirer like I used to think. I believe I will freak out…
That’s how we change over the years, now the picture of someone doing that is he is childish, immature, pathetic or may be a psycho.
For me admiration is wider and broader than the context it’s always exist in. it’s not only for the ones we have feelings for. I do admire nature and I do admire a lot of people …I admire their points of view, manners, culture, attitudes and principles.
Admiration does restrain a great deal of respect.
As for being a secret admirer myself, I have difficulty showing my feelings to special ones. On the contrary when I am friendly, spontaneous and nice to someone that means he is no more than a brother but if he is more than that I am a real disaster.
Unintentionally I tend to hide and avoid him … it scares me, that was mostly what I used to do with (M). Of course he didn’t understand but he truly was and will ALWAYS be the one that I admired and respected the most.
When I first started this blog, I used to write posts as if they were real messages in the bottle and threw them in the sea … starting Dear … and I wasn’t really sure whom I am addressing them to. But I was trying to have a conversation with someone secretly hiding somewhere ( may be M) and hoped he would find my messages and comes for rescue. but he never come and I quit sending the messages.

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I know it sounds very old fashioned, historic, silly … but I love written / documented communications and I will confess and say I love “letters”. I am very aware of the fact that the conventional letters I have in mind do no longer exist. And yes I mean those very basic letters sent my mail. I just find them sincere and very heart felt.
I love everything about them… beginning with the sweet word “Dear” till the usual , meaningful words of “yours”, “sincerely” or faithfully”. Will you stop and think of their meanings. Can you imagine what does it mean to say to someone “Yours”. No one ever means it that way, not even myself.
The root of my problem is at some events/ incidents or conversations
when they mean something to me I get overwhelmed with them and stop involuntarily listening, sometimes seeing or existing for a very brief while and come back. It’s funny I missed some beautiful words and times in such a black out. Another reason for this peculiar state is sometimes my shyness. I try to hide it, focus on whether people are looking or not and how to act and miss the real thing going on.
I am a good talker by the way, but when I am not prepared or ready … I really babble like what I am doing now at 2:43 am. I don’t normally talk much, I am not loud but I know what language to use, what words to pick and at the same time maintain my spontaneity. I am the kind of people that likes to think then talk. Can’t just say whatever pops in my mind.
Again what is so special about letter, why not emails. Well, I like the fact that they are very much personalized and unique. The hand writing, the type and color of the papers used, the way they are folded, the envelop, they way they are sent or handed… I am crazy I know.
We are fortunate with technology but the personal magic touch has disappeared for good. I sound like my grandma but as much as I like computers, cars and modernized life style, I do love simplicity and originality.
I am so much influenced by some movies in that post and I would like to mention them… “lake house” about the letters, “You have got mail” … how does it feel to keep checking your mail waiting to have a specific one and “A walk to remember” for other reasons.

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