Archive for the ‘Moments’ Category

Yesterday, I arrived at the office and as per my daily routine I asked for my Coffee, instead I found the office boy getting me tea…. may be he forgot. I drank the tea and hours later I asked again for a Nescafe, he forgot again but this time he didn’t get me anything.

Today, I decided to get my coffee with me, I passed by “On the run” and ordered a medium cappuccino, when I saw the cup I regretted not asking for a large one, it was too small for me. So I ordered another large one.
I drank the large one and looked for anybody in the office to give him/her the other before it gets cold but everyone arrived late today so I ended up drinking them both.

Minutes ago the office boy he proactively decided to get me coffee.
I told him, thanks but I didn’t ask for it….he replied, but you didn’t order anything today, I even thought you didn’t come. Don’t you want it? Didn’t want to be mean, he already made it, … I told him, no I want it… thanks.

It’s funny yesterday, I was dying for a cup of coffee and today, I drank like a liter.
I am getting more and more alert, edgy and my stomach hurts.

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Ferris wheel


Days are passing one after another in consecutive turns, with the same occurrence of different situations, same faces of different people, same visions of different angles.

Symmetrical in a random way, amusing but consuming,… hours can be as long as days and years can fly in minutes.

After a series of evolutions, a stop would be relieving … getting out,fighting the drowsiness and the false feeling of movement while standing still.

That’s the weekend, a stop to rest, think and get ready for the next ride.

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“One kind word can warm three winter months” A Japanese proverb.

I usually feel warm whenever my family or friends are around. A kind of warmth that makes me feel secure and satisfied.

Insensitivity hurts, cold looks or responses can freeze the world around you.
Leaving you trembling and shaking, looking for somewhere to hide and feel safe again.

Loneliness also makes you feel cold; even in mid July, even with people all around you.

There is no such thing as to care about some people and ignore the other. A caring tender heart can’t be choosy, it’s filled with warmth and feelings and it doesn’t release them upon a request, it just radiates them wherever it goes.

Think about it what we will lose if we let go of the warmth we have inside us.
It’s so simple, just be sincere and try to connect with everyone around, feel them, they might be cold as well and a simple word, a gentle look, a pat on the back, or even a smile can turn their winter into a wonderful colorful spring.

Is that so hard? Just think before you talk, do something special for someone without asking if he deserves it or not, listen and remember this world is not just about you, give chances and be forgiving, think of what you need and didn’t get and try to make it up by giving someone else what you know he wanted. It’s a cure for the soul and a relief for the heart. Be thankful and have faith and ask whoever you trust what do they see and you don’t, view things from other angles and put yourself in others’ shoes, say sorry, repent, try to be the good you the one you think you no longer are. … I wish I could do that too.

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“Nothing remains the same” it doesn’t make it any easier accepting the fact of having something and the next day it’s gone.

Whether it’s a person or something that meant so much to you one day, a street you used to walk in your way home, certain feelings, gatherings, or years loaded with pieces of the young you that you no longer are.

Why bother going to the same places now, faking the same situations and talks … everything has changed, …. you have changed.

Why looking for the people you miss in others’ eyes, they are different … even if you think you saw the one you miss… he is just inside your heart and eyes and it’s only a reflection…longing feeling are so sweetly possessing, you know you are captured and yet you can’t set yourself free because the heavenly prison is painted with memories.

Can’t we endure the idea of being apart both physically and emotionally? There must be a reason that by time we leave dear ones and meaningful things behind or they leave us.

May be we don’t have to insist of having another encounter with the past and just move on.

There is no coincidence, it’s a perfect arrangement of place, people, timing ….
So when one of these factors change the result won’t be the one you supposed you have lived before.

The difference between missing and losing is hope.

So what was left behind and the shattered pieced you have been looking for may be better missed that lost.

I believe in fate and I know things happen for a reason, and the hollow parts resulting from the shattered peices are better be filled with the appreciation for the ones and things we still have.

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Humming ” Somewhere Over the rainbow … “, wondering and murmuring “I have been there may be it didn’t last but I felt it, very few times and for a very brief period”.

It’s not easy getting there, the materialistic stressful daily life, problems and heartaches that we will be facing as long as we shall live on earth shades its beauty but eventually the light just shines through.

It is visible, just open your eyes, see the beauty … the beauty that resides in the heart, colors the eyes and is reflected on what you see. Ugliness doesn’t embody anyone or anything, it possesses the eyes of the hard hearted ones and deprive them of seeing beauty.

This somewhere also has another name, it’s called “Happiness”, this priceless gift.
An overpowering feeling that takes you away from everything and makes you literally fly, fill your heart and makes you want to take some of it and sprinkle in the sky to share it with the whole universe.

You can never be alone in that particular place, “loneliness” is not included in its dictionary. I have prayed before for some people when I knew they were going through a tough time to ease up their problems and I wished their sadness would go away. I so wanted them with me .. up there, over the rainbow. And though I wasn’t there yet but I wanted to reach and wanted to take all of them with me.
Seeing someone dear in pain is just harder than enduring the pain yourself.

So make the effort and seize any opportunity, hide from all the problems and figure out how can you reach there, take the hands of your loved ones, makes their day and head to a brief journey that may take seconds to “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”.

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A warm breeze, a lovely old scent, a soft enchanting song,
Visions in sepia colors yet so charming and colorful, voices and echoes that tremble the heart, suddenly a surf from the deep comes and splashes the shore.

If we are not meant to see our future in advance, shouldn’t we cherish what we have seen. Ironically, it’s difficult to handle.

Bad memories are hard but good ones are harder, the sweet memories that become bitter because they have passed, because of the years.

Time leaves its traces and shades just like the ones on the pages of an old book.
The people that we wonder will we ever see again. The photos of the places that still exist yet they are never the same.

These memories are carved deep in the soul, covered with the daily activities, future plans, problems and so many things we indulge ourselves in.
And the moment we decide to sit back and relax a little, they come, black you out, stops the time and attack like a tornado scatters the present like the dust that covers an old book. The carved memories became exposed and aches in an enjoyable way.

Only one thing gives them the lovable taste again the fact that they were once sweet and HOPE.

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I don’t want to think of what exactly is the reason behind my anger. In fact there are many tiny reasons that resulted in the way I feel today.
Will just mention one of the things.., woke up early today to make it to the interview.
Drove my car to the bank, parked, entered the bank and headed to the Chairman’s office.
Everything went good thank god, but I was so nervous but I tried my best to conceal it.
Anyways, I finished the interview and went to my car again and there was a surprise.
I found a big piece of metal hooked in my car. Why is that … found out that I shouldn’t have parked in this area. To tell you the truth there was a sign. But still, why didn’t they stick the ticket ? why is this idiotic procedure.
First: if there aim is that this area is not suitable for parking and parking there might cause an accident or something. Why do they ensure that the cars will remain more time till they come and clear these hooks.
I waited for the officer, he came and remained inside his car, asked me for my driving license and car registration … so I went and gave it to him from his car window.
He was frowning, talking in a bit aggressive tone and he made me pay the penalty fee and withdrew my driving license .
Nice start … isn’t it?

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To begin with … thank god the war on Lebanon has come to an end, what a relief.
The mess I mean in right here ( I am pointed at my head right now 🙂 ).
For more than …. (lost track of time), I didn’t sit and thought about myself …and the clutter has occupied my head again.
Basically what I have discovered during my vacation while watching sun set everyday on the beach is that I am lonely … in the sense that I have a wonderful family and friends but there aren’t really much that we share and it’s so important to me to feel that I am just a part of some bigger entity .. to feel that I belong. Believe it or not being independent is exhausting.
Another thing is WORK, S is no longer my boss … that’s cool. But still I want a change.
Concerning the interviews, the first one was at the bank, and yesterday I was telling my mum that it’s ok that they didn’t call. I was going to say NO anyways … guess what ? they called me today and they have prepared the offer and want me to meet the chairman. Another surprise: I didn’t say no … wanted to give myself sometime to think and assess the whole thing : let’s make a simplified pros and cons list.
Pros:- The package is better (salary and benefits).
– The HR director already knows me and she wrote a recommendation.
– The one that I am supposedly be working with is recommending me as well based on the interview.
– I haven’t worked before in the banking sector, so may be it’s going to be a learning experience.
– It’s new in Egypt, so it will be a pleasure seeing it growing.
Cons: – It’s so far from home.
– The office hours start at 8am.
– The environment there is so different; have to admit it’s not as fun as my company for instance.
– I think I will have to buy a new car, because mine can’t handle the distance. And I won’t handle it without an AC.
– I will miss my friends.
Going over this list … I am still confused. Is it me or the decision is really hard.
Is there a fact or a conclusion hidden in the list that I am not aware of …or don’t see.
The other interview that I went to was in another multinational. It’s so near to my home, the company is a multinational (cement company) as well … the environment is more or less the same as the ones I am used to except that it’s quieter … (that’s awesome).
It’s located in the 7th floor of a mall … yay (I am superficial?…) it’s just it’s great to know there are cafes and stores in the same building … 🙂
Seriously, I liked it there, met the CFO …( the one whom I am supposedly be his assistant). He is very calm (which is great) and organized (yes I notice these things).
But for a reason, I can say different points of view – I am not sure if I will be accepted.
Until I have another option I will have to stick to the given choices, thank god and proceed.
The coolest thing about leaving a job for another is to snap a vacation for like a week or two. Hope I can do that .. spend it in the north coast, watching sunset again and swimming at night… but this time without a war.

Will go sleep,

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I am back

Here are the photos that I took
Thank god it was a nice vacation, . except for the bitterness, fear and pain of what is happening in Lebanon.

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I have a great difficulty these days concentrating and thinking… a lot of distraction, thoughts, things going on and I need to find the time to grasp them and reach conclusions.
I will be away from blogging for sometime. Hope to get back with a clearer mind.
Will miss you all my friends.

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Just thought because I wake up every day, open the window, see the light and enjoy the morning breeze … everything will be ok.
Every day is a new beginning. but yesterday can never be forgotten. I regretted what I haven’t said, what I wanted to say and didn’t till it was too late. But I am regretting more what I haven’t heard; I just wish I knew …
Now I am left with so many questions, will I ever know the answers ? … or again it’s too late.
Didn’t I want to know back then, was I afraid? …. May be. I didn’t want to show how I so wanted to know just in case the answer won’t be a favorable one.
It really doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, still it’s better to be known ; if it was a good thing and I didn’t know it: I missed the feeling of hapiness and if it was a bad thing, I have missed the lesson.
I had this feeling of being around people that they all know something and I don’t, I could feel them say … can’t you see, yes I can’t see and I don’t know. Why don’t they just tell me. is the truth that bad?, or they think I understand but I am trying to conceal it?
I want to know all the answers without even asking. May be I now have the courage to listen, but still haven’t got the enough strength to ask.

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If there is something wrong, I wish I could be told about. People makes mistakes… I try not but I am human as well, may be I wasn’t wrong and that was a misunderstanding. Because If I did something wrong I would have recognized it. But I don’t. Why do I have to guess ?!!
I am a very open person and I don’t lie because simply I have always brought up to be a good person so there is nothing that I have ever did that I am not satisfied about. so… if accidentally I said something that might upset you… why don’t you tell me or ask what did I mean.
It’s always as simple as that !

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I am a messy, sometimes clumsy person myself. but I always do my best to be no trouble for anyone. So I might drop my silverware in a formal dinner, take time to recognize the fish fork … spill something from my plate on the table cloth or me although I try very hard to place the napkin on my lap so I won’t ruin my outfit. But what I drop always finds a way to land on my skirt or pants. So I do irritate myself not anybody else.
But what surprises me based on previous incidents are :
– When someone approaches so much to talk to me: come on people give me a space. And no it’s not ok if it’s a woman.
– When we are having lunch or dinner with a variety of people and all of a sudden someone begins to smoke without even asking. Usually I don’t continue eating and of course I don’t say the real reason when I am asked, I just say “I’m full”.
– Shared plates (salads, appetizers, etc …), are sometimes disastrous; people pick things from the plate using their hands !. Other cases, they use their own fork, the one they are eating with. Some people do that while they know it’s unacceptable and try to cover it by saying lame statements like “ oh yummy” ! or “ God I love it, can’t wait” or “I just can’t stop eating” .
– When someone try to reach for something and leans over the table as if there is a starvation and it’s the only plate in the whole world, sacrificing people whom he might be leaning on, or his tie that is dipped in someone else’s soup.
– There are another kind who loves you to try the food first and stare at you, trying to comprehend from the facial expressions if the food is tasty or not. And sometimes ask if they can try it from your plate before ordering it !.
– Picky eaters : few of my friends are; they really torture the waiters … asking for the impossible and finally nothing is good enough. Some of them are the “extras freaks” (they like extra everything) or the “without freaks” , I do belong to the “without freaks” kind. except that I forget to tell the waiter, and always become surprised by onions or garlic but because of the hard time I know the waiter had. I decide to just eat. I ear onions and garlic but not in public places, I don’t order plates with strong smells.
– Dinning tables are no place to discuss digestion problems. There is another cozy place that everyone can think ALONE about these problems. And if the problem persists he can go to a doctor.
– Last thing, a quiet peaceful or even silent dinner is so much appreciated. Let’s view it like that: talking is the complete opposite of eating (especially big chunks). So there is always a compromise , or you can always alternate a piece of food … then a sentence. It’s not too hard.

Finally that doesn’t happen a lot by the way, but it always happens when it’s not expected.

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Based on an incident that happened last week too, that made me totally uncomfortable. Here is what I think:
Although I don’t like to admit it but I am shy and I am doing my best to hide it especially at work not to be comprehended as lack of communication skills.
But eventually it shows. but in another form… as indifference or as if I don’t care ….because of my deadly attempts to conceal it
When I start feeling that people are getting this impression, I tend to offer more attention to make it up and maintain a balance so they begin to feel as if I am treating them in a special way. So what are the choices … the fake balance is impossible.
I don’t want to seem weird but the other signals don’t stop popping up. The good news is I never behave or say anything inappropriate or irrelevant that may embarrass me but I do something that may be worse… shuuuuuuuuuuuush !, yes that’s what I do and yes I know … how rude. The only exception is when criticized … I speak up other than that, nothing.
So when someone does me a real big favor, I say thanks and stuff but I don’t say enough. When I should reply to a compliment, I just change the subject. When I am mad at someone … I don’t say a word.
I have posted before a post called “words unspoken” and I am still struggling to bring them up to the surface.

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“3andi se2a feek, 3andi 2amal feek .. beykafi” I love this song. I am repeating it over and over again and if let myself I would say after her “beykafi”; trust and hope are enough for me. I haven never felt I can tell someone or even myself that my feelings for him are trust and hope.
And yes if I had reached this state, I wouldn’t have had any more love to feel … “ma32ool fi aktar ana ma 3endi aktar … “
I act like an arrogant child, I am not arrogant may be proud but not arrogant at all it’s just a cover as I am always afraid to get hurt so I remain away from everything and put as much barriers as I can. But the child eventually needs care and tenderness but can’t ask for it. The surrounding environment doesn’t encourage at all.
Trust: what does it take to trust someone, to make sure he doesn’t lie? They all lie.
To be sure his feelings won’t change? No one can guarantee that.
I don’t know any measures for trust … too bad.
So keep it as is … nice lyrics about a valuable meaning that I am confused about its definition.
“3andi se2a feek we bekafi” … hope to feel that way.

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