Happiness … to Feel it, Fear it or to Earn it.

Feel it:
What makes me happy?
I should be grateful for a lot of things but honestly and top of mind I would say something and that something by the way isn’t present right now.
PAUSE!
Is it realistic that the only thing I don’t have is the one thing that makes me happy?
Shall I wait for it or move on and try to enjoy what I have been given and maybe one day I will have something better than what I wanted
Is it loyalty or self torture to wait ?! will it make a difference to stay miserable in a shell waiting or go out, hope for the best and let what will be .. be .
Fear it:
Some say … fear is a memory of pain. being careful not to get hurt (again) has more to do with thinking about causes or reasons than expecting it.
Ask a dentist and he will tell you that anticipating pain doesn’t make it any easier it just prolongs it.
The positive thoughts and affirmations like “I am strong and tolerant and many people go under the same procedures everyday “ or “I will bear this temporary pain to solve my teeth problems” or “it’s painful both ways, let’s get done with that root canal once and for all”, … that’s what makes things better.
We fear the recurrence of things that has already happened and we survived them … congratulations we are still alive !
I remember a relative’s word after losing her mother preceded by the death of her son and then husband saying “ khalas ba2a 3andy yaqeen” meaning that she developed a kind of believer’s certainty. She was saying that with comfort, peace and ease.
We also fear things that not only others have went through but enjoyed … people with acrophobia for example (fear of heights) won’t enjoy the view from the 10th floor balcony though others would. There are a lot of examples including break ups, people are not impacted as severely as others and again it’s all in here (the mind) and all about the thought that a temporary pain can be endured to end suffering or avoid a greater one.
So what is “Fear” as defined ? it is the instinctual response to potential danger, resulting in nervous and physical changes to prepare the body for actions (such as running, fighting, even been able to lift a car to save a trapped child). as protective mechanisms to increase our chances of survival.
So fear is a response to face danger not a relentless state of anticipation.
Earn it:
Do I deserve to be happy/ content?
What about … they aren’t happy, how insensitive of me to be happy now?
Answers:
If God gives you happiness, you have gotta take it and be thankful for it. If happiness comes knocking at your door, it’s yours and it belongs to those who you can share it with.
About other people’s discontentment: survivors guilt.
Things might look different from a more positive approach and the energy exerted in negative feelings can better drive constructive actions and attempts to help. You can’t steal from others’ happiness packages.

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Happiness … in other words “Contentment”

I personally prefer terms like “Contentment ” or well being to happiness and pleasure.
Happiness is too stretched and relative while pleasure is variable and slippery, I was pleased to meet an old friend then I started to notice how different views/ attitudes/ … we are now adopting and felt I no longer enjoy his//her company. or I am really hungry and I ordered a massive meal, yes it’s delicious but I am full, I can’t get anymore of it.
So the happiness I mean in my posts is more of “contentment or “wellness”.

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Why am I writing About Happiness

Let’s face it, I am not miss sunshine with the rose tented spectacles anymore… “anymore” !
And I am not fine with that. I am trying to change. If that means I used to be positive, optimistic and hopeful . Yes many years ago.

The” happy people” I think we should really literally “study” and learn from are … children.
When I was a child my interests were mainly music and anything that has to do with colors.
I will put painting and colors aside though my interest was kind of obsession, I recall spending hours jotting lines and testing, mixing and pouring colors or even watching very calmly other kids in class drawing and looking up to them with great admiration.

Back to music, I was 6 years old, may be slightly younger. Our next door neighbors got their kids an electric keyboard, that was a big deal in the early 80s was more popular and affordable than a piano.
My parents noticed that I was spending more time at the neighbor’s place and the kids could hardly play with their own instrument because I was playing all the time. Don’t know if that was my strategy to convince my parents to buy me one and put an end to the little kids misery 🙂

It turned out just the way I wanted it only that the electric keyboard I got was very basic and not expensive. That was a reflection of how my parents saw it ; a “toy” that I would play with, disassemble to million smashable pieces and lose interest in whatever remains.
I loved the basic keyboard and I felt yes that’s what I wanted, and that’s mine. I have the right to play and the responsibility to do something good with it. Ie. play well. Although there was no one to teach me or no one to learn from … again for my parents it was a toy.

I started to listen carefully to the sound of each key and train myself to memorize how they sounded so I can play the songs in my head. (the little head back then could hold few songs ranging from Happy birthday to frero Jacko :D) but it worked. I could play !
A lot of kids learned music and various things that way.

Kids pursue what they want, ask for it with resilience and don’t take no for an answer. They set goals (play an instrument) and find out ways to achieve the goals (even if it’s trial and error).
They are not discouraged by others assumptions and they don’t anticipate failure. And even when they don’t succeed or discover that’s not what they wanted they go for another thing. They are flexible and they know how to cope with their abilities almost without or with very brief temporary frustration.
It’s way easier to motivate them compared to adults.

They are optimistic and hopeful. They see the world a very big and exciting place even when they are grounded they know there are a lot to look forward to out there.
They feel safe and secure when they know they are being looked after and we disregard all that and forget that we are the same beings. Allah was watching over us when we were kids and we are still watched over and looked after we only have to believe it.
Difficult things happen to make us better people. If not now … eventually !

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Are you happy?

Happy, pleased, content, well, … ?
If it took you seconds to say YES! . congrats we will be studying you in the next posts 🙂
If thoughts of fear, pain, loss, worry, problems took over then we’ve gotta do something.
CHANGE !
We need to change the way we think so we feel differently. We have to free more space to increase our capacity to receive happiness. we need to know that …
“Happy people do not experience one success after another and unhappy people, one failure after another. Instead, surveys show that happy and unhappy people tend to have had very similar life experiences. The difference is that the average unhappy person spends more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their lives, while happy people tend to seek and rely upon information that brightens their personal outlook. (Lyubomirsky 1994)
So now what, think happy thought like in Peter Pan’s story and we will fly ?
Actually yes, we have to replace the negative thoughts resulted from tough experiences with positive ones. Those who had to take anti-depressants know it’s all about the chemistry not only the external factors. Except that pills are not the answer, …
“When you think negative and limiting thoughts for a long time, you create a chemical imbalance in your brain, and you feel bad. When you think positive and unlimited thoughts for an extended period, you restore the normal chemical balance, and you feel good once again. What you think about matters, because it determines the chemistry of your brain
So the first step is change, willingness to change. (to be continued)

Take the tests : http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

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The Pursuit of Happiness!

That’s my new series of posts, I developed not only interest but fondness of Positive Psychology (The Science of Happiness). I decided to read more about it, watch more videos and learn as much as I can about it.

I am still taking baby steps but thought of sharing these tiny steps as well as my own thoughts with you in a series of posts called “The Pursuit of Happiness”. Yes ! … it’s kinda inspired by (stolen from) the movie 🙂

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Egypt Revolution : Egyptian & Very Proud !

Since I have been away for quite some time, and since my upcoming posts won’t be of a political nature.
This is briefly what this revolution is to me …

ارفع راسك فوق انت مصرى – Hold your head UP high: You’re Egyptian!

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Change

We all want, try and strive to be happy. One fact … “nothing remains the same”.
We fear “change” in good times but we wish for it when we are sad and lonely.
That’s how we realize how fair it is. Change can be drastic and flip our lives upside down in one instance but it’s the only thing that can fix it back again. We always like the “change” when it’s to an instant perceivable better but it’s too painful when involves loss.

Even by our humble humanistic measures when we work on something and we can see it’s messed up sometimes the solution is to get rid of everything and start all over again, start from scratch, sacrificing the time and effort already invested for a better result.

May be that what is meant when we lose something we have already worked at and put our heart and soul in. We feel sorry for that part of us lost with it but we wait for the change. We wait so eagerly and keep it in front of us all the time to numb the pain and fill the emptiness. We start looking right and left try to read the signs that we have missed and lead us to the wrong way. Sometimes we don’t see any and sometimes we see too many and get confused. Just like a baby… a needy, clingy baby who wants to catch anything and hold on to it to feel safe and to belong.

Happiness doesn’t last nor does sadness, loss is what life is about … everything has its own maturity and expiry date. Life itself one day will end that’s why we have to be realistic about our expectations.

One day I was feeling so down, I was at work and it was time for Dohr prayer.
I went to the praying room and after I was done, I noticed two girls sitting in the corner, while I was adjusting myself and putting on my shoes I heard one of them telling the other “I have learned not to get so excited about anything nor get depressed” the other girl was so astonishes and asked her back” and why is that” she said “my mother has passed away, and since then I knew I can never be as happy as I was when she was with me and also nothing can hurt as much as her loss has made me feel.”

I was so moved by what the girl has said …her voice and the way she was saying it. She didn’t seem or sound sad or happy just like she was saying, she didn’t show any particular emotion that I could recognize and yet charged me with a lot of emotions, thoughts and gratitude to god. Really whenever we have a problem we have to remember there are worse. While someone is laughing across the street someone else is aching.
We are not alone, it’s a cycle of good times and bad times and everyone has his/her time and share.

It’s acceptance and faith that have to be sought before happiness, it’s time that can heal and solve problems when we fail to and support that can make things more tolerable if not from outside when everyone has enough and nobody seem to listen it’s from within.

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Fairytales

You know what … fairytales aren’t impossible as they say and they could happen bearing in mind that the concept has two flaws.

1- Happy Endings: in movies the loving couple get married… so what’s next … gabo 3eyal tala3o 3enhom? Howa sab el shoghl? She gained weight and he kept complaining? Darabha we shadaha men sha3raha? She discovered that he smells most of the time 🙂
2- Ever after: ezay ya3ni maho even if they stayed together one day haymooto 🙂

Seriously, at points we all have lived fairytales. True they didn’t last, they took moments, months, … because endings are always beginnings and nothing is immortal even love.

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من قصيدة تلاميذ غزة لنزار قبانى

يا تلاميذ غزة علمونا بعض ما عندكم
فنحن نسينا..
علمونا بأن نكون رجالا
فلدينا الرجال صاروا عجينا..
علمونا كيف الحجارة تغدو
بين أيدي الأطفال ماسا ثمينا..
كيف تغدو دراجة الطفل لغما
وشريط الحرير يغدو كمينا..
كيف مصاصة الحليب
إذا ما اعتقلوها تحولت سكينا.
يا تلاميذ غزة لا تبالوا
بإذاعاتنا ولا تسمعونا..
اضربوا اضربوا بكل قواكم
واحزموا أمركم ولا تسألونا..
نحن أهل الحساب والجمع والطرح
فخوضوا حروبكم واتركونا..
إننا الهاربون من خدمة الجيش
فهاتوا حبالكم واشنقونا..
نحن موتى لا يملكون ضريحا
ويتامى لا يملكون عيونا..
قد لزمنا جحورنا وطلبنا منكم
أن تقاتلوا التنينا..
قد صغرنا أمامكم ألف قرن
وكبرتم خلال شهر قرونا.
يا تلاميذ غزة لا تعودوا
لكتاباتنا ولا تقرؤونا..
نحن آباؤكم فلا تشبهونا..
نحن أصنامكم فلا تعبدونا..
نتعاطى القات السياسي
والقمع ونبني مقابرا وسجونا.
حررونا
من عقدة الخوف فينا واطردوا
من رؤوسنا الأفيونا..
علمونا فن التشبث بالأرض
ولا تتركوا المسيح حزينا.
يا أحباءنا الصغار سلاما
جعل الله يومكم ياسمينا..
من شقوق الأرض الخراب
طلعتم وزرعتم جراحنا نسرينا..
هذه ثورة الدفاتر والحبر
فكونوا على الشفاه لحونا..
أمطرونا بطولة وشموخا
واغسلونا من قبحنا اغسلونا..

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Moments

In the darkest hour, I told myself:

“Live it, embrace it, collect all the excruciating memories and let yourself fall, drawn, sink deeper and deeper, hit the bottom but don’t stay there. (As opposed to many people, I respect “sadness” as a feeling, it disciplines the soul, and makes people empathetic, sensitive beings not clowns)”.

I then remembered, another day is about to begin, the sun will shine one more time and I am still breathing and my heart is still beating. Isn’t it a miracle, it will continue beating till a certain time that I don’t know, it has been faithful and strong, when it was full and now when it’s empty… it is still beating !

People stray from love, don’t acknowledge their feelings till they die.
What are they thinking, others are longing for their compassion, for their affection.

Why is it a shame to need someone, someone in specific around which you feel it’s okay to be weak. It’s exhausting to be always in the stand by mode, carrying a gun or hiding behind a shield. It’s killing to be always in control.

Don’t think million times before saying a kind word, don’t think about the consequences… if the other person doesn’t want to hear it, you needed to say it.

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“You are a marvel”

I have been thinking, had a lot of “whys”, random questions just about everything…. the most urging one was about Gaza and the heartbreaking reality they are living, wondering if the Airstrikes and missiles’ deafening sounds are louder or the world’s silence.

Thinking about the streets, the ugliness, the clutter we live in, the people, the lost passion and lack of visibility. What direction shall be taken if there is no destination.

Why do we take things for granted, and accept things as they are while we can’t accept each other as we are without prejudice. It’s much easier to curse and judge than to teach and help.

We can make a difference only if we believe we can.

“Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.” Pablo Picasso

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Making our streets safer for everyone

“Making our streets safer for everyone”
It’s not only The Egyptian center for woman’s rights’ slogan or promo (http://www.ecwronline.org/). It’s the everyone’s demand , every woman who just wants to use the street in peace without hearing silly comments or being assaulted in anyway. It’s the demand of the parents who want to make sure their girls are safe.
After the Feast’s horrific accident in Mohandessin and since it wasn’t the first, the fear was rising that those guys (animals) could do such thing without an intervention from the police or even the people in the street except for some noble attempts from few women. (ya3ni keda besara7a el setat tel3o 2agda3 men el regala who were standing still).
The “animals” said they are provoked by what girls wear… what can I say “animals”.

I was so happy when I heard the news ” An Egyptian man has been jailed for three years with hard labor for sexual harassment of a woman in the street”.
For the girl who reported the incident and took it to court “Noha Rushdi” … chapeau!
Still … rules, laws and security presence have to be developed and activated.
Otherwise don’t blame the girls for carrying self defense tools and weapons (stun guns, pepper spray or mace … ) to defend themselves as long as we are in a jungle, don’t blame girls for running over an offender with their cars, don’t blame them as it’s only fair to really hurt them and injure them … it’s called self defense.

Meanwhile, women have to be more cautious and prepared, they should learn their rights. They should learn to defend themselves and defend each other.

Again, there is a need for rules; instead of dragging the offender to the police station there should be security figures in the streets (police officers, police cars to roam the streets ). A hot line to report if someone is under attack. (everyone is carrying a cell phone now).

Another thing I have found, you can send your complains to the ministry of internal affairs through this link:
http://www.masr.gov.eg/arabic/services/moi/moi1.asp
I haven’t personally tried it but it’s a positive way to raise a flag if a particular area (street) is facing any kind of threat.

Finally, making our streets safer for “women” will be a reality … better be by “Law”.

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Circle of support

Life is based on the concept of exchange, what you pay in return for satisfying your needs, wants. “Pay” here doesn’t have to be of a monetary nature, it’s broader than just that it’s anything. In other words it’s what you “take” and what you “give”.

Questions:

1- Do all people give in order to take?

2- What do you think about the two words “give” and “take” , which one is better ?

Don’t rush, in life there is no absolute value.

If “give” is better, what about … “give up”?

If “take” is worse, what about “take care”, “take my heart” !

Some people are givers, others are takers and in the middle those who are holding a scale to make sure the two sides are equal. The measures however are always relative and subjective based on assumptions, perceptions and personal values … “give one, take ten”.

I can assume that takers get frustrated when they don’t receive as much as they want.
Ironically, givers get more frustrated when they can’t give… why can’t they?

Many reasons like:
– If what they offer isn’t appreciated or needed, rendering love to a materialistic/ not interested person. (Ouch!)
– If they don’t know who is in need or what to give.
– When they try to help and get misunderstood for being intruders, playing saints or even worse “enohom hobl”.

I like the idea of the “Circle of support” ; meaning, if someone is in grief, he/ she won’t be able to listen to some happy people chanting and living in the Lala land, they would rather go to someone else who has been there (el 2ido fel maya mesh zay el 2ido fel nar).
In order to be understood, felt and above to be guided on how to get through this period. They want motivation and real life examples.

The same applies if someone wants to lose weight, if this person is supported by others who have the same target or at least they know how hard it is and what diets do to the moods and the emotional rollercoaster state. He/ she would feel better.

For you givers out there, try to formulate a circle of support for those who need you. And coach them how to support others. Backgrounds, cultures, values and beliefs may differ, but emotions are the same. I believe one day we will all be one big circle.

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From “PS, I Love You”

“Shoot for the moon and if you miss you’ll still be among the stars.
Promise me you will find a job you love this time !”
PS, I love you…

LIST OF POSSIBLE JOBS
FBI AGENT – Am not American. Do not want to live in America. Have no police experience.
LAWYER – Hated school, hated studying. Do not want to go to college for ten million years.
DOCTOR – Ugghh.
NURSE – Unflattering uniforms.
WAITRESS – Would eat all the food.
PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE SPOTTER – Nice idea, but no one would pay me.
BEAUTICIAN – Do not want to see areas of other people’s bodies.
SECRETARY – Never again
JOURNALIST – Cont spill properly enuff. Ha-ha, should be comedienne.
ACTRESS – Could not possibly outdo my wonderful performance in the critically acclaimed “girls and the city”.
MODEL – Too small, too fat, too old.
SINGER – Rethink idea of comedienne
HOTSHOT BUSINESSWOMAN IN CONTROL OF LIFE – Hmmm… Must do research tomorrow… 😀

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Food Bank: A call for volunteers

Volunteers are needed for packing food items. Instead of making monetary contribution you can also donate your effort and time as there is a shortage in the number of packers. If you are interested, roll down to the Olympic Group Warehouse in Nasr City anytime from 10am to 10pm to work for a couple of hours. May Allah reward you.

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